Monday, December 19, 2011

A few other things I've been wanting to scream.

I know I've kept most of this over on LJ and Twitter, but I have one or two other things that I just wanted to put down on paper (or the computer screen) and I'm sure people are sick of listening to me bitch about this, but it's like I said over there: once a thought gets into my head, especially a painful one, it won't go away. So here we go.

I like Michele. I do. And I DEFINITELY prefer her over Malissa.

But. (you knew there was one coming)

But no, no you don't understand. You may have known for a finite amount of time what it felt like to be so heavy that your knees ached and you didn't feel like doing anything, but no, that doesn't entitle you to say you understand to someone who has been obese their entire life. The only person who can understand what that's like is another person who's been obese most of their life, and has experienced everything that goes along with that. Gaining a shitload of weight with/after your pregnancy because your hormones are messed up does NOT equate with being obese because you've used food to cope with the bad moments in your life. Do you know why it doesn't? Because the minute they got your hormonal situation straightened out, the weight dropped off. And yeah, you may have had to work at it a little bit, but not to the extent that a person who doesn't have some sort of hormonal issue that needs to be fixed will have to work to get it off. How do I know that? Because I know people who've had hormone problems, gained weight because of it, then gotten pills that straightened out those problems, and the weight dropped off. It's not the same thing. You weren't heavy enough to know what it's like to have your life severly limited by your size. You had a REASON for being as heavy as you were, and I know you didn't have the experience of going to a doctor with a sore throat or ear, and being told you needed to lose weight. I highly doubt you had the experience of having a kid call you fat in the middle of a crowded store, and if you did, I know it hasn't happened multiple times to you.

I don't really know what to believe as far as how much weight you gained when you had your hormonal issue, because when you first told me you said 80 pounds, yet Friday you said 150. I'm more inclined to believe 80 or less. What I do know is, you have no sagging skin, and no visible stretch marks when you're in shorts and a t-shirt, and that makes me highly skeptical.

So no, don't tell me you get it when you don't.

Malissa's a whole 'nother story, and frankly, I really wanted to either a) walk out of the office Friday and not look back, or b) punch her in her fucking face. I get it. You want me to quit Weight Watchers and follow your stupid diet that doesn't really look all that healthy (and that regardless of what you or Michele might tell me, there is no way in hell any compotent doctor would give that to a diabetic patient-- WAY too much protein on it for that), and count calories and fat and carbs and sugar and this and that. When I tell you I've tried that before, and it doesn't work for me because I get frustrated and quit, that ought to tell you something. You say you were a nurse, which means I know you've heard this more than once: no one know's the patient's body better than the patient his/herself. If I tell you I've tried things, and they don't work for me, don't act like just because you're a new person suggesting it that it's going to work. If I tell you that Weight Watchers works for me, that for the first time in my life I'm eating healthier than ever, and that I'm eating reasonable portions and not feeling GUILTY for eating or feeling deprived, maybe that should say something to you. I know I haven't mentioned it yet, but if it gets brought up again, I will-- Weight Watchers was suggested to me by BOTH doctors I see. And the one that I saw after two months on the program was VERY impressed with my results with them and told me to keep it up. Don't you DARE tell me I won't be able to continue eating the way I am (basically, two white hot dog buns-- a twice a year thing-- and a weekly kids meal from Chickfila, and less than 6 ounces of coke a day) and lose weight/keep it off. I can give you a VERY long list of people Weight Watchers has worked for. I'm pretty sure your list of people who've had lasting success with your little diet plan will be much shorter, since it is NOT something a person can stick with for life.

I'm just about over it. I know the food component of things will come back up. When it does (assuming it comes up before I have a chance to go see either/both of my docs and mention all this bullshit, and see if one of them is willing to call/email and tell them to back the fuck off) I'm going to lay it out like this: Look, I'm not quitting Weight Watchers. I'm sorry you don't know enough about it and don't seem inclined to want to learn enough about it to know it works and that it's a lifestyle, not just a diet, but I was very clear in my essay that I was successful with it, and I was upfront with you that I had no interest in quitting it. You may think I'm being stupid or not holding up my end of our agreement; I don't see it that way. I'm standing up for myself, which I wouldn't have had the courage to do a year ago. You can either respect that I'm staying with Weight Watchers and doing that for the nutrition component, and I'll do what y'all want as far as exercise/training, or we can seriously re-evaluate my participation in this contest/makeover, because saving the price of a gym membership is NOT worth sacrificing my mental and emotional health.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Oh, hello there. Didn't mean to disappear for that long...

So, I've been working out with the trainers for almost a month now, and I can honestly say I LOVE Michele. She is awesome, and so good at motivating me, and we have a great time talking and acting silly while we work out. I actually look forward to 10am on MWF. Some of the stuff we do is hard, but I haven't yet complained about any of it. I'm game to try everything she has me do, and I don't mind trying a little harder-- like going ahead and trying an exercise with a higher weight.

I had my first gain in forever today at Weight Watchers. My eating was kinda crappy this week, and I'm sure that's part of it, along with all the fun water retention because of that time of the month. BUT! But I'd like to believe that some of it is muscle. One pound. Oh well. We'll move on to next week.

NSV time... we went to the fall TMS NASCAR races last weekend (don't get me started... urgh) and for the truck race, our seats were on row 15 or so. There are 28 or 30 rows in a section, so we were roughly halfway down the section. I've HATED sitting lower in a section all of the times previously, because getting back up the stairs is just horrible and painful and I'm sweating and panting by the time we get back up them. Well, this time after the race was over, I stepped out and hustled right back up those steps without even having to pause as I went up them. SO awesome. Of course then I got to the top and realized Mom wasn't right behind me, and I had to wait on her. Oops. LOL
We parked in the free parking for the Nationwide race on Saturday, and I didn't even get winded or red-faced a bit on the walk in to the track.

It's so bizarre to me how much more fun life is without those extra 80 pounds hanging around. Can't imagine what it'll be like at goal weight. :) But it's nice that everything doesn't feel like a burden now, that I actually feel like doing things.

Oh, and my birthday goal? Met it and exceeded it a month ahead of schedule.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Doing work-- I can deal with that.

Today was my first day working out with Malissa. As I'd said elsewhere, I was really kinda dreading it, because I didn't want to put up with more drama about Weight Watchers. Luckily, not much was said. She started asking me about what I eat, which provided me a wonderful opportunity to explain that for the most part, I don't eat the Weight Watchers branded convenience foods (she's really hung up on the sugar in the blueberry muffins, for example. And I honestly can't tell you for sure the last time I ate one of their muffins, because they're expensive and they go bad quickly, and I'm just not that much of a muffin girl) and that we actually cook. Also got to mention that I haven't actually bought white pasta since 2005, and that when we go to olive garden, we get whole wheat spaghetti and split the lunch portion. Am I finally making progress here?! LOL

Anyway, for the actual training, we did intervals on the treadmill. She called them sprints... IDK. Why not just call them intervals. She was actually quite impressed by how much she had to jack up the incline on the treadmill to get my heart rate up, and said that apparently all the cardio I'd been doing had done a great job of getting me conditioned. (I resisted the urge to say "Well, DUH!" LOL) Our "sprints" were at either an incline of 10 (which is like walking straight up a mountain) or jogging for 25/30 seconds. Good deal-- I was covered in sweat by the time we got done.

She's very into that being in your target heart rate for fat burning thing. I don't know what to think, because I've read some very reliable sources that say it's complete BS, and burning calories is burning calories, and it's all going to even out. Then I've read other sources that say it's important, because otherwise you're burning the carbs you've eaten, and not the fat on your body. IDK. I'm personally of the opinion that burning calories is good, period, and no cardio is "wasted" just because it wasn't done in your "fat burning zone".

Then I came home and did 30 minutes of my own interval training, and after that I did the Jillian Michaels Frontside for Beginners DVD. Yay me.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Grr. Don't know why I'm dwelling on it... but I am, so here comes a rant.

As I said on Twitter yesterday, and as I've whined to Mom several times, I hate it when people listen, but don't actually hear me.

I'm sorry you're not familiar with the Weight Watchers program. I'm sorry you don't realize that yes, it's important to look at calories, but it's also important to look at what those calories are made up of, and that's the whole premise of PointsPlus-- if you're eating things that are higher in fiber and protein, they're going to be lower in points, because they're better for you. If you're eating something that's primarily carbs and doesn't have any other sort of good nutrtional value, it's going to be higher in points because it's not as good for you.

Don't talk to me about the evils of white bread and white pasta. I haven't eaten white pasta in over 6 years!!!! I ALWAYS buy organic whole wheat pasta, and guess what? When I go to Olive Garden, I order whole wheat there, too. We don't buy white bread for the house-- the only time I eat white bread is when I'm out, and I've gotten to the point that I rarely get something that involves bread. We've bought nothing but whole grain flour tortillas since about this time last year. And while I am about to eat some mashed potatoes, I'm also going to eat a portioned out amount of them.

That's great that you've got a calorie counter that you can look up the Weight Watchers Smart Ones and get it "graded" based on nutrients... but when I tell you I don't eat them, I'm not lying. The last one I had was 3 months ago, and I ate less than half of it and threw it away because it was nasty. I don't eat them (other than the fact that they all taste the same) because they're FULL of sodium, and granted while I'm sure WW corporate wouldn't like it, we've all talked about that more than once in meetings.

When I tell you that I'm down from drinking 7 or 8 cans of Coke a day (or more) from this time last year, and that now I drink one or (usually) less than one, that's not a lie, either. I'm sorry you think soda is the devil, but I love Coke, and I can handle having one on a normal day. I don't intend to give it up. I've said more than once that if I ever was diagnosed diabetic, I'd STILL be drinking my one Coke a day, because dammit, my Coke makes me happy.

You're telling me about how when I eat X, Y, and Z, instead of A, B, and C, I'll get to the point where when I do try to eat A, B, and C again, it'll make me feel horrible... guess what? I already know that. I've been doing this for 10 months now. I've made a lifestyle change. And once or twice, I've had a small period of time I stepped out and ate a bunch of crap, and it made me feel like shit. I know this already.

I know you guys are probably used to dealing with people who don't have any nutritional knowledge at all, but believe me, I know this stuff. I'm well-educated about nutrition, even if I didn't always put what I knew into practice. I realize it may be strange to be talking to someone who's my size who actually KNOWS this stuff, but please don't act like I don't know it. Please don't talk to me like I lack the knowledge that I'm going to need more protein for weight training. Guess what? I actually DO know how you build muscle. Please don't talk to me like I don't understand the need to eat every couple hours to keep your blood sugar levels even-- I actually do know this, and guess what? Weight Watchers teaches this too.

I'm sorry that you've known people who've done Weight Watchers and then started gaining their weight back once they got to goal/quit counting points. It's not my fault, nor is it the program's fault that these people you're talking about treated Weight Watchers as a diet and not as a catalyst for a lifestyle change. And that will happen with any "diet", including your lovely little "change your metabolism" plan there.

And your little machine that gives you all this information about my body, including my body water? It doesn't matter how much water I drink, the body water level's probably going to always be low because my blood pressure medication is a combination beta blocker and diuretic. I'm not lying when I say I burn through 5 or more 16oz bottles of water a day.

I just... urgh. The essay that you guys supposedly read and made you cry... I'd think you'd understand from reading it that I know this nutritional stuff, and how irritating it is to be talked to like you don't know anything because you're overweight.

76.6 pounds says I actually do know something. Just sayin'.

I'm sure things will improve, but right now I'm asking wtf did I get myself into?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Uh... WHUT exactly is going on here?

Cue the voice in my head at about 10:03am this morning. My appointment with the trainer was at 10am. At 10am, she's still... doing whatever she was doing when I walked in and sat down to wait, and the younger trainer (Michelle) called me over to look at something on the computer (a calorie counting website/app-- UHHHHH.... listen. I've lost 76.6 pounds with Weight Watchers, and I've learned to eat healthily, eat foods I enjoy, not stuff myself, and keep up with what I'm eating. I'll be sticking with what works and what more than one doctor has recommended to me) At any rate... she and I talk for a while (and I'm a talker, kinda, but this chick REALLY is. LOL) and I'm thinking to myself, damn, it's nearly 10:30, thought I was supposed to be with the trainer at 10am. So she finds Malissa, and I guess she has a client at that moment... (and I'm thinking, uh... okay? *confused face*) Anyway, Michelle ends up working out with me. Has me do a 10 minute warmup on the treadmill, then do some circuit training. It really wasn't bad. I even talked myself into a heavier medicine ball for part of the circuit training. LOL

So I'm supposed to work out with Malissa on Friday, and then I'll be with Michelle a while starting next week. I'm actually looking forward to working out with her. Malissa's nice and all, but... eh. Michelle seems to understand that it's important that if you really want a food, to have a little of it, because otherwise you're going to end up eating everything around you... and then probably still eat what you were craving.

Monday, October 17, 2011

1st session with the trainer-- the details

Okay, so it's going to be 3 times a week at 10am, for 30 minutes. This is fine. I can do that.

Today's meeting was basically weighing, getting all sorts of body information from their fancy Ironman scale thingie, and nutrition.

Proud to report I actually have good bone mass, and my muscle mass is decent.

The nutrition aspect... urgh. What to say? I think the bottom line was she's willing to let me stick with Weight Watchers, since I've obviously proven it works. She wants me to try her nutrition suggestion for 10 days though. Blah blah, it'll jumpstart your metabolism, etc, etc. Basically, think of any sort of diet you've seen where you eat almost nothing, and you eat the exact same damn thing for 10 days, and you have this diet plan. See below.

Breakfast-- Protein meal replacement shake w/ skim milk (I asked about almond milk, and she said that would be even better)
Snack-- 4-6oz lowfat/nonfat yogurt with granola (fiber one yogurt, bc it has the lowest sugar. 1/4 cup granola)
Lunch-- Tuna sandwich on whole wheat (4oz of tuna in water, 100% whole wheat bread), apple
Snack-- Protein bar with at least 10g of protein (suggestions are Atkins and Pure Protein)
Dinner-- Chicken breast-- baked broiled or grilled (4oz), Sweet potato (medium), Green beans (1 cup)
Water with all meals and snacks.

Thoughts: The protein mix doesn't say it's for meal replacement, and I know from experience that drinking nothing but a shake for breakfast will leave me tummy rumbling LONG before snack time. I have no interest in putting granola in my yogurt, and I've become a big fan of Greek yogurt because of the protein and the lack of fat-- no interest in eating yogurt that's gonna have aspartame in it. Tuna... yuck. Enough said. A snack of a protein bar? Uh... have you guys ever eaten one of these things? They are HORRIBLE. Plus I can feel my colon clogging up just thinking about eating one of those every day for 10 days. The dinner wouldn't be so bad, were it not for the fact that a) I weigh my sweet potatoes and go by ounces, not the whole small/medium/large thing, and b) I HATE GREEN BEANS!!!!!

Their machine calculated my BMR as being 1999, so the idea is to undercut that... um... whut? First of all, I would almost put my hand on a Bible and swear my BMR is more than that. That might be what my BMR would be were I not right at/just shy of 300 pounds, but.. nope. I just figured it on a calculator, and it says my BMR is 2115. Thought so. I understand taking your BMR and subtracting 500 calories to come up with a loss each week, but that's not taking into account working out, and let's be honest-- if you're working out more, your body needs more calories to maintain. Urgh. Whatever.

All I know is life's too short to eat tuna fish for lunch every day for 10 days. Also, if you eat this for 10 days, and then eat normal food again after the 10th day, I don't see that helping your metabolism.

Then she goes on and tells me that the main goals here are: 1) Shift metabolism, 2) Portion control, 3) Eat for life (eating in a way you can do for the rest of your life)

I can see that you might accomplish the first one with this 10 day thing, but the other two, especially number 3? Nope. And the thing about it is, I've already got the last two, and to an extent the first one, down. I measure everything. I eat so much healthier than I used to. When I do go out to eat, I get what I enjoy, but I also don't stuff myself. I'm sorry, but again... life is way too short to eat horrible stuff, be that horribly bad for you, or food that tastes like cardboard.

And the thing that I know, that the trainer doesn't (because she freely admits she's not that familiar with the program), is that Weight Watchers takes into account your caloric needs and nutritional needs... and they also encourage you to have those nutrients that you NEED.

IDK. I just wanted to be all "Hey, I've done the 75.4 pounds (plus the 12 I lost before I started WW this last time) on my own, with the Weight Watchers program. I think I'm GOOD on nutrtion. Please just stick to the actual training." LOL I didn't, though. I was good. Lots of nodding. LOL

I told her it would be at least next week, if not the week after before I could try the 10 day thing because I'd have to wait on the grocery money. Which is true, considering we don't have tuna sitting around, or granola, or yogurt (other than my Greek yogurt w honey)... but I'm also hoping that by then I'll be working with the other trainer, and Malissa won't have a chance to see if I'm doing the 10 day thing. LOL Sneaky!

And I don't mean to sound like I'm bitching about the whole opportunity. I'm very grateful, I just think I probably know a little more about nutrition than her average client, even if I don't necessarily look that way.

Sometimes I feel like people hear me, but they don't actually listen.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

So disregard the whining in that last post...

because I got a call from the trainer this morning! The decision was unanimous-- all of the trainers wanted me for the contest :)

She said that my essay even had them wiping away tears. (I guess you can see for yourself about the essay-- it's over here)

At any rate, I meet with her on Monday at 9am to set up all the particulars. I'm excited and nervous and SO ready to get started.

Oh, and I'm doing the TXK Race for the Cure on Saturday. I'll be walking it, and I just want to finish it. I mean, I know I can walk 5K without any problems on a treadmill. Doing it outside, with other people, is going to be a new little adventure.

Monday, October 10, 2011

I could have sworn... am I losing my mind?

Okay, so the Extreme Makeover contest at the gym? I know you were supposed to have your entry and your essay in by October 7th. And I could have SWORN the trainer told me they were planning to start on October 8th.

Even though I wrote what I felt like was an awesome essay-- I pretty much laid myself naked, emotionally-speaking and was as honest as possible, I'm really not expecting them to pick me. So when the phone didn't ring and I didn't get an email yesterday, I thought "oh well." Then tonight when I got to the gym, I discovered there's signs up, that I don't remember seeing before, that talk about turning in applications, and no deadline is listed, but it says they'll start on October 15th.

I'm very WTFy over this. I don't know if these signs have been up the entire time, and I just didn't notice them (because I hardly go look at the bulletin board, because the same three or four pieces of paper are always on it, and I don't go in the bathroom much because I'd rather rush home and potty/shower) or if they decided they didn't have enough/a good enough entry, so they'd solicit for more. Um... if that's it, I'm insulted.

When the trainer first talked to me about it, she said they'd only had two entries.

I just hope they don't pick someone who only needs to lose like, 30 pounds. I know that's mean of me, but I think that would be disingenious-- don't call it an "extreme" makeover if it's not.

I was pretty honest about the fact that I'd lost nearly 70 pounds on my own (now almost 75) and I hope that isn't held against me, since one of the questions that they wanted answered was "why to this day have you not been able to lose weight on your own". After what I've experienced this year, after years of saying I was trying to lose weight and making half-hearted attempts, I've come to realize that the reason people can't lose weight is because they don't really want to. And I said that in my essay.

*sighs* I dunno. I just hope they're gonna announce who they've picked before Saturday.

Also, if they do pick me, they'll just have to deal with me being unavailable Saturday morning, because I'm not giving up doing Race for the Cure.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Always someone there to knock you back down...

I really try not to let it bother me when people give me THOSE looks or when I see people glance my way, then whisper or laugh. I try not to. God knows I should be used to it by now.

And it's not the first time I've had a little kid say something rude about me.

But it was the first time I've had a someone say something (loudly) since I've put in all the effort and work I have to lose 70+ pounds.

I'm standing in the local Walmart, in the lingerie section, picking out some sports bras. I've got the ones I want, and we're about to leave, when I get distracted by something purple and lacy. I've reached out to touch it, and from about 10 feet behind me, I hear the loud voice of a little kid exclaim "WOW MOMMY LOOK AT HER ARMS! LOOK AT HER ARMS! THEY'RE HUGE!!!!!!!" And my heart just drops to the floor. I really want to pretend I didn't hear that. I want to just ignore it, but it just hurts too damn much, and all I can think is that sometime in the next few years, there's going to be some chubby little girl in this kid's preschool or kindergarten class, and he's going to have something mean to say to her, too.

So I turn around, and say loudly, "Wow, your kid is REALLY rude." She gets that deer in the headlights look, and I repeat what the kid said. Then she starts in with "Oh, he didn't mean anything mean by it. He's really into wrestling, and..." Then the dad walks up and is like "He's three." And he keeps repeating that, like it's okay for a child to say anything they want because they're little. I said I really didn't care how old he was, it was rude and mean, and all they really had to do was say "I'm sorry," and then explain to the kid that it's not nice to say mean things about other people. The Dad's all "I'm so tired of other people telling me how to raise my kid!" Dude, I'm not telling you how to raise your kid! I'm telling you how to be a decent human being! (After we left, Mom tells me who they were-- sister of the lady who runs the beauty shop I used to go to. She works there too, or did. Really "churchy" people, which in my opinion makes it worse) So, finally, the parents get the hint and say they're sorry (while STILL making excuses about the kid loving wrestling and only being three) and the dad says to me "Have a nice day." Are you freaking kidding me? Your kid just made me feel like a piece of dirt, the two of you made it 10 times worse, and you're telling me to have a nice day? The minute I was out of their line of sight I was crying. And I cried my way through the checkout. Cried more on the way home. And now I'm in my car on a dead end street, listening to cds and, you guessed it, crying.

As I told Mom, this is why I don't go to church here. It's why I don't like to go places by myself. At least if someone's with me, then maybe I'm distracted enough that I don't notice the looks or the comments.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Oh my gosh, are you kidding?!

Right now, I'm at 69.2 pounds lost. I'm within yelling distance of my goal that I had set for my birthday (December 8). And in addition to that, I'm 14.25 miles away from having completed my 50 miles in September goal. The thing I'm most excited about, I think, is the December goal. I'm hopeful that I'll actually hit it before the month's over, but I realize I may not. Regardless, I feel like I'll definitely be setting a new goal for my birthday.

I finally got around to buying a foam roller, and now I wish I would've gotten one months ago. I'd been coming home from the gym with my legs killing me, and I'd be stiff-legged... and of course I'd hurt too much to go the next day. Now I go, do my walking, come home and use the foam roller... and go back to the gym the next day. :)

So I applied for this contest/makeover thing at the gym... don't know that I'll be the person they choose, since I'm still unclear on whether it's just my location and they're picking one participant, or if the applicant pool is from five or so clubs, and they'll only pick one person from that pool. We shall see. I opened up the most I ever have about my weight in the application essay (well, aside from how much I've opened up here-- but I mean the most I've ever opened up to anyone local) The way I look at it is this: I would love to get picked. It would definitely be a blessing, since it includes a free year's membership to the gym AND free personal training for that year. But I know what I've accomplished on my own so far, and if I'm not the person they pick, I'll keep on doing what I'm doing, because I know I can.

Random stuff: I had to buy a smaller pair of jeans at Lane Bryant. This is actually my second smaller pair... I've lost two sizes, at least. Unfortunately, I had to buy regular (no petites left in the 26 Red bootcut fit) so they're literally about a foot too long, but I can fix that. LOL I've also discovered that several pairs of my panties are getting way too baggy, so I may have to see about buying some smaller ones. I'm in a much smaller bra size, and I probably need to buy some more bras, since the only stuff I have right now that's (nearly) the right size have underwire in them. Uncomfortable! And, really exciting to me-- I'm finally able to get back into pajamas I bought when I lived in Tyler. They're still a little... well, they're not uncomfortably tight, but they're not quite as baggy as I like my pjs to be. But I'm definitely getting there.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Hills and weights

So this evening I did weights (went up just a tiny bit on some of the machines) and then did 30 minutes of hills on the treadmill. I still can't believe how much I like hills. I mean, I hate trudging up hills outdoors... but the hill program on the treadmill is so much fun.

I'm weird, I know.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Who weighs less than this guy now?

Me. And yes, that's a big freaking deal to me. Actually, I guess I've weighed less than him for a couple months now, but I'm just now going back and reading my old posts, and I saw the one where I mentioned I weighed more than a pro football player, and clarified I wasn't talking about Drew Brees. And I'm still not at Drew's weight yet, but... I'm coming for you, Breesus.

I went to the Tuesday night meeting and weighed in since I'm back on my Slaughter!schedule*. I knew there was no way I'd be awake by noon on Wednesday. Seriously, I slept 'til 5pm Tuesday, and felt quite good about it. Verdict of the weigh-in? I lost 3 pounds. THAT is what happens when you eat what you're supposed to and go to the gym. Results like that are what it's all about. Well, that and having clothes that used to be too tight nearly fall off of you.

I'm now 15 pounds away from the goal I had set for my birthday. (Technically, I guess I'm 16 pounds away, since I said I wanted to be UNDER a certain weight) But my point is... there's still almost 4 months until my birthday. Pretty damn sure I'm going to make and exceed my goal. When I get there, I may actually set another goal for my birthday. We'll see.

*The reason I call it my Slaughter!schedule:

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

And I raaaaaaaaaan, I ran so far...

Well, not really because A) I'm on a treadmill, it's not like I really get anywhere, and B)  I didn't run for very long.

But, I did run. Yes, Miss 'I weigh as much as those REALLY big football players' ran tonight. It was awesome and scary and fun and hard all at once. I just decided I would see if I could do it, so I kicked the speed on the treadmill up to 5-ish mph, and made it about 20 seconds before I brought it back down to a more reasonable, but still fast (for me) 3.7mph, and then took it back down to my regular speed. And then, in the last 25 seconds before my cool down, I kicked it back up and ran for the last 25 seconds.

I'm kind of in shock and overjoyed because I can't tell you the last time I ran... although I'm pretty sure it was in junior high, and I'm pretty sure it was because I was being FORCED to run in phys ed, and I'm pretty sure I walked absolutely as much of it as Coach Stepp would let me get away with (which was probably a lot, because the woman liked me. I have no idea why, but she did)

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Urrrrrrrrgh. Gain.

And I'm not talking about the laundry detergent.

I know it's not much. I know I need to calm down, because I KNOW I'm retaining water right now (seriously, Tuesday I lost 5 pounds from Monday... all because I took a second blood pressure pill that's got a diuretic in it) I know I've eaten a bunch of salty stuff the past few days. I know this is not even my regular day to weigh in. I know all of this.

I still hated seeing that + next to my weight.

I hate how summer makes me feel so lazy... or maybe not even lazy, but just... tired. I need to be going to the gym, but... I just can't seem to get myself there. Urgh.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The cult's gonna kick me out...

Missed this week's Weight Watchers meeting because I slept 'til 11:30. My meeting's at noon, and TXK is a 30-ish minute drive. Now normally, I'd throw my shorts on and haul ass up there anyway... but Saturday afternoon, after I'd spent 2 and a half hours at the gym working out, I cut back through the ghetto neighborhood... and got a speeding ticket. I knew I was speeding... I just didn't realize I was as far over the speed limit as I was. I thought the road was 40mph and dropped down to 30mph as you get to the major cross street... yeah, well, the whole road is 30mph. I was going 43mph. The cop wrote it for 45mph. Thanks, asshole. Luckily, I can take defensive driving, pay a fee, and keep it off my record.

But, as you can guess, it clipped my wings a little bit, and I wasn't going to risk speeding up to TXK for the meeting.

Went to the gym this afternoon and did 50 minutes on the treadmill while watching the Rangers (lose). I don't understand why they can't turn the air down a little more in there... it's 100-something outside, and it feels like it's at least 85 inside the gym. I know... whine whine, whine some more, Claire-- it's not like you're actually having to work out outside.

Trying to decide whether I'm going back later tonight to work out a little more. I may end up falling asleep. LOL

Friday, July 15, 2011

I see what you're saying there, Kyle.

“To me, it's just like when I was a little kid, I wanted something to reach for so I put the Sprint Cup Series on a pedestal and went after it and tried to see if I could get there. Opportunity arose, I made it and now the next step is what else can you do? You put a championship up there, you put a lot of wins up there. Just something to kind of keep you going over the years just to kind of make sure you don't fall flat and get stagnant and just ride around out here."

This was from Kyle's media availability today at New Hampshire, about his 100th win (he's at 99 right now, and obviously people are expecting him to get number 100 this weekend). Why am I posting it here, when I usually take my NASCAR fangirling elsewhere? I'm posting it here because I read it, and I immediately thought about the goals we set on our weight loss journey.

Now maybe if you've only got 5 or 10 pounds to lose, you don't set those little goals along the way. Maybe your goal weight is your goal, period. But if you're like me, and have a lot to lose, you've probably got your own little milestones set up.

I think if I were actually thinking to myself "Okay, self. Goal weight is 127(ish). That's it. We've gotta get to 127," I'd feel like it was impossible. And yeah, I might push towards it for a while, but after a while, when it felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything, I'd be, as Kyle said, just riding around out there. And there comes a point when you're not seeing tangible proof of accomplishments that, well, you quit trying to accomplish anything. I don't know that it's always a conscious decision, but it happens.

So instead of saying "I have to get to 127," I'm celebrating all those milestones along the way: 25 pounds lost, 50 pounds lost, a smaller size of pants, smaller measurements, being able to walk longer distances without getting winded, learning to eat out without stuffing myself to the point of being uncomfortable, distance covered on the treadmill, feeling better, my face not being quite as round.

And to some people, those might not seem like huge accomplishments. But they're personal milestones that mean something to me.

Baaaaaack in the saddle again....

Yeah, because you have to imagine it being sung/screamed JUST like Steven Tyler does it.

Made it back to Weight Watchers on Wendesday, and somehow managed to undo the damage I did over two weeks, and then some. I acutally lost 2.6 pounds. Yes, I was shocked. That puts my total at 56 pounds gone, and now I'm only 20 pounds away from what my goal was for my birthday, December 8th. In other words, I think I'm definitely on track to meet and exceed that goal.

Finally made it back to the gym again today, and I planned it so I could watch the Cubs game while I walked. Now I should say I'm a Rangers fan first, but the Cubbies are my second team. Anyway, because I'm silly I'd considered wearing my Cubs cap that Lissa got for me, but then I realized two things-- hats trap body heat; I already sweat like a pig without trapping any body heat. So I went with my (basically) Cubbie Blue Nike top instead. Yeah so... the Cubs won. I will forever believe it was because of my shirt. *nods*

Managed to walk for an hour today, 3.0mph with a few 3.3mph intervals, and a few 1.5% inclines thrown in. Well, techincally it was 66 minutes, because I kept hitting the increase button on the cooldown. LOL

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Guess who fell off the wagon?

I told myself at first that it was just for the weekend... then it became just for the week. Two and a half weeks later, I'm finally back on track. Went to the gym yesterday, back at counting my points.

I can't even tell you why I fell off... but I can tell you my body did NOT appreciate it.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

More random things I'm looking forward to...

I'm watching the National Dance Team Championships on ESPN-U. I kinda always wanted to be a cheerleader when I was younger. That ship has sailed, obviously, unless someone invents a time machine. But... hip hop dance class? Definitely on my to-do list. As is pole dancing, for that matter.

Also, I ate like crap this past week and it showed on the scale... only lost 2/10ths of a pound. Which yes, any loss is good, but I know I could've done better had I not eaten a bunch of junk. So this week... less junk. More gym.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The stuff about the boy.

Here it is. I got Manda to log into my AIM account and change my password so I can't talk to him. I blocked him on Facebook. I'm just... done. He's nothing but a big ball of negative sucking blackhole-like energy. And I'm done.

I started thinking to myself as I drove up to Texarkana for the meeting on Wednesday... I have my best moments of clarity when I'm speeding down the highway with the radio blasting. I got to questioning myself about why I even bother to talk to him, when he essentially told me that I'm not worth any sort of aggravation/uncomfortableness/mild annoyance. I'm not worth visiting. I've gone down to see him twice in my life, once at 14, and the trip down last year, and both times have been full of lies.

If I'm not worth the trouble to visit, to call... then he's definitely not worth the trouble, either.

And after I got to thinking all of this, I read back over my past journal entries elsewhere about everything I've put up with from him in the past year and a half, everything he's said to me that I wouldn't even repeat out here where the rest of the world could see it...

I read over all the comments from my friends, the people who actually listen to what I have to say, all of these people who have told me I'm worth so much more than him, that I have so much more value than he'll ever place on me, that he's sadistic and sociopathic and that I don't deserve that, don't deserve his bullshit...

and they're right.

And no amount of hoping, wishing, praying, finger-crossing, begging, pleading, or believing is ever going to change what he is.

After the way he's treated me, I don't have any reason to feel guilty for just cutting my losses and walking away. It's the best thing I can do for myself.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

More change. Definitely a case of more being a good thing.

Things that have changed... We're sitting in the movie theater, waiting for Fast Five to start. Yeah, I realize we're over a month late, but that's not really the point. Here's what's different. First of all, Mom says she can tell a difference sitting beside me, that I'm smaller. Secondly, sitting beside me in the cup holder is a Vitamin Water Zero, as opposed to the usual large Coke. And in my purse is a Ziploc bag of Jolly Time Light, instead of a huge bucket of movie theater popcorn. Not because of the price of the theater's popcorn (which is, btw, ridiculous) but because I refuse to eat a small popcorn that'll probably use up ALL of my weekly points.
(So that part of the entry was obviously written on my phone in the theater Thurdsay afternoon) What else has changed? I've been slacking on the gym, again. *sigh* I'm convinced part of it is the weather-- the heat makes me lazy. And then there's the sleeping at night and being awake during the day-- I like going to the gym at night, and that's hard to do when I'm asleep. I'm trying to get back at it, though. I went last night and walked for 45 minutes. It's not the 70 I had been doing, but it's a lot better than nothing.

And then there's the big news... I've lost 50 pounds! Technically 50.8, but who's counting, right? LOL Another 26 or so will have me under that number I wanted to be under by my birthday, so I'm feeling really good about meeting and exceeding that goal.

And right now, that's about all there is to say about the weight loss journey. There's stuff about the boy, but that's a whole other entry worth of things to say. I'm sure I'll be talking about it soon, because I do need to just get it out of my head.

Monday, June 6, 2011

I could just blame the weather, right?

Because omg, it's hotttttttt out there. Near 100 degrees, to be exact. So I guess I could say the reason I haven't been walking like I should is because it's so hot, but there's a problem with that excuse: I have a gym membership. I walk on the treadmill in an air conditioned gym with my iPod blaring and a TV screen right in front of me. I can't exactly say it's too hot to do that.

Something about this time of year just makes me feel so, so lazy. I WILL get my groove back, though. I'll suck it up, and I'll get back in my routine.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The most random things I'm looking forward to...

  • being able to actually SEE what I'm doing when I'm shaving Australia (you know, Down Under. LOL)
  • going and getting Australia waxed instead of shaving it.
  • not having tan lines where my fat bunches up against itself.
  • pads that are actually the right size to cover my panties.
  • cute panties.
  • cute bras.
  • high heels.
  • not having the seatbelt dig into my hip.
Told you it was random stuff.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The slack needs to stop.

Down 1.8 pounds this week.
My last two workouts, I've actually gone 3 miles or more, which is great. Here's the not-so-great part: I skipped a night in between. And I haven't done any strength training this week, but I may see about taking care of that tonight.

I'm two pounds away from being the same weight I was when I did my physical to get into nursing school. For some reason, that's exciting to me.

I've also added monthly tanning to my gym plan... I actually want to be able to wear shorts without looking like a ghost. LOL

I just don't know about the contest at the gym. The last day is May 31st, and with the way I've slacked, I don't know if I can win it. But damn, I want to. I need to step up my game significantly. Less slacking, more effort.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

I'm definitely getting my 5K charm for my keychain.

So, I think I may have mentioned that, about a month ago, I walked 3.13 miles one day at the gym. I did it right before they announced the Weight Watchers Walk-It 5K thing, and at the time I thought to myself, well, hell, I'll just call that my 5K. The more I thought about that, the more I didn't like the idea. Yeah, I'd done it once, just to prove to myself I could. But could I do it again? With the way I've been slacking the past few weeks, I wasn't sure. So tonight... I did it again. 5K on the treadmill. Technically, 3.17 miles. And you know what? After I actually hit 2.90, the rest of it was easy. I kinda wanted to keep going, actually, but since the treadmill only lets you go for an hour, I didn't want to have to keep hitting increase on the time for the cool down.

I'm kinda proud, too, that I did intervals tonight (I guess they're not REAL intervals because I'm not timing them-- I go by the songs on my iPod) and my fastest one was at 3.3mph. It wasn't the easiest thing to keep up, but I did it.

Progress is fun.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


I did it! I got my 10% award Wedensday, along with my charm for coming to WW for 16 weeks. I've lost count of how many times I've joined and rejoined Weight Watchers, and this is the first time I've ever lost the amount of weight I've lost, not to  mention the first time I've made 10%.

So there's that :)

I save the Coke bottlecaps and the 12 pack boxes to get the Coke Rewards points... well, I discovered I could use 2000 of them to get a $50 gift card at the Nike Store. I did that, and then used it to buy myself a second Dri-Fit top in pink. I ended up paying $1.94 for it (the one little bit of the shipping that my gift card didn't cover). So last night I had a pretty new pink top to wear to the gym.

I'm still trying to get back in my groove of going to the gym and working out. I skipped quite a few days while in DFW, and then when I got home and had the allergy flare-up, I skipped  few more.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sooo close.

So I've pretty much abandoned the Tuesday night meeting for the Wednesday at noon meeting. It's less crowded, and I also have this thing about not wanting to eat before I go to the meeting. If I'm sleeping days and staying up nights, that's fine for a 6pm meeting. But, since I've started being awake in the day more, it makes more sense to do the noon meeting. On to the exciting stuff... I lost 2.8 pounds this week. I'm not exactly sure how, considering I didn't make it to the gym but once... or maybe twice... and I did Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred Level 1 one night. I've had a major allergy flareup since returning home from the Metroplex, and honestly I was coughing so badly and so unable to get a deep breath that going to the gym didn't seem like the smartest thing to do. A week and massive doses of generic Sudafed later, I've about got things cleared up. I'm still coughing every once in a while, but it's not constant and my voice has almost returned to normal. Yay!

Judging by the fact that I'm writing this at nearly 5am central time, you can guess that I stayed up and went to the gym tonight. I did 45 minutes of strength training and crunches, and then 45 minutes on the treadmill @ 2.7mph. I hadn't done any strength training in a while (had it been a month? maybe so.) because when I go during the day, I don't want to use the machines. I realize that's dumb. Part of it is because I'm self-conscious about how I look using the machines, and part of it is that I don't like having to wait for someone to finish with a machine or having someone wait on me to finish. It's so weird, now that I think of it, because I loved going to use the machines at the campus gym when I lived in Tyler. If someone was on the one I needed, I just skipped over it and went on to the next one. Why do I have such a problem doing that here? I don't know, but I need to get over it, I know.

And if you're wondering about the title of this entry, it refers to my 10% goal. I'm 6/10ths of a pound from it. Definitely motivation to work even harder this week.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Catching up...

Okay, okay, let's update on that last post. I went and weighed in at the Wake Village branch of the gym... on April 1st. Yes, let's all take a moment to think about the humor that comes with weighing in on April Fool's Day. Heh.

So, here's the verdict. My body fat is 59%. On the one hand, omg, I'm made of 59% fat?!!? That's ridiculous! On the other hand... omg, thank god it wasn't 80%!!!! lol That was actually the first thought that went through my head.

The girls at the WV branch were all super-nice and told me that any time I wanted, I could come by and weigh in with them/check my body fat percentage.

At any rate, I'm officially in the contest. I've sorta floundered around this last week, so I just don't know. But hey, I've got til the end of May, and I. WANT. THAT. GIFTCARD.

Moving on... last weekend was the NASCAR weekend at Texas Motor Speedway. We drove out Thursday, and I had all these wonderful plans to eat well and exercise every day. Ha. We ate at Five Guys (which is delish, if you've never been-- this was my first time) but... and this is shocking if you know how many fries they give you... I actually had one point left over at the end of the day. Yay me! I even went down to the hotel gym to walk on the treadmill.... um, yeah. It was a crappy treadmill, and I got down there 20 minutes before the place closed, but 20 minutes on a crappy treadmill beats nothing at all. Friday we went out to the track in the afternoon, got a new Kyle Busch sticker for my car, and got some exercise in walking from the free parking lot to the track itself. For the first time ever, I wasn't completely winded and dying by the time we got there. Actually, the last two race weekends I've paid for premium parking because I just didn't feel like walking (and it's highly expensive-- $75 on Cup day, $50  on Nationwide day) so it was nice to save that money this time. Saturday was more of the same. I bought a cheap pedometer at Walmart and wore it Saturday, and apparently I walked 1.17 miles. Not as much as I'd walk at the gym, but then again, I'd be walking on a flat surface at the gym. The two races were over waaaay late, and we stay about 40 miles away from the track, in Frisco, so when we got back to the hotel I just didn't feel like going to the gym. But hey, it's not like I sat on my ass all day at the track, so... it all evened out.

I went to Weight Watchers on Wednesday at noon (just wanted to try a new meeting time) and had a nice surprise-- I lost three pounds. I'm now over 30 pounds gone, and only 3.4 pounds away from having lost 10 percent of my starting weight. (omg, I pretty much just gave away my starting weight. Oh well. lol)

Today was my first day back at the gym since last Wednesday... I don't wanna skip this many days again. I hadn't realized how much I would miss it. I alternated between 2.5mph, 2.7mph, and 2.9mph, with the last 4 minutes of my walking being at 3.0mph. Gotta work on bumping my speed up!

Oh! One other thing. We traded in books at Half-Price Books while we were in the Metroplex. I came home with a Jillian Michaels DVD, a Jillian book, and two of the Biggest Loser books. Yay!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Nothing can ever just be easy for me, can it?

So I emailed the trainer about the contest. The poster announcing the contest says the results will be based on % of weight lost, but it turns out the contest is actually % of body fat lost. And guess what? Only way they have to figure % of body fat is the Ironman scale. One of the gyms in a neighboring town (28 or so miles away) has a commercial grade Ironman scale. I can go weigh there, apparently.

I just... urgh. I'm glad they have one. I'm glad I can, I guess, still be in the contest. But I guess I've gotta make a special trip to TXK just to weigh in for this contest. And I have to figure out... how the info on my body fat % is supposed to get from their branch of the gym to mine. And even better, I guess I get to go to the other branch and say "Hey, so my home gym is having this contest, and I signed up, and their scale doesn't have a high enough capacity to weigh me for the stupid contest. So... I need you guys to weigh me. Don't worry, I'll be the only one coming from my club needing to be weighed, I'm sure, because once again, I'm the biggest/heaviest girl in the room. Again."

I'm reminded so much of 7th grade phys ed. Our school had just gone from changing from a Junior High to a Middle School. During my 6th grade year, they still used the old shirts that said AJHS, and you could take the school-issued one, or you could go buy a shirt and shorts from the local athletic store, that had your name on the shirt and your initials on the shorts. I did that because, eww, who wants to wear someone else's shorts and stuff, and because I knew I could control what size I got. My 7th grade year, they got all new uniforms with shirts that said AMS. I got stuck with an XL shirt, because that was the biggest size they'd ordered. I got it on, but it was very, very tight and uncomfortable. I needed a 2X. The shorts I was issued never left my gym locker, because again, the biggest they'd ordered was an XL, and they weren't even close to fitting. I had to wear my pair from the year before, which were, of course, a different color maroon and a different style than the current shorts.

*sighs* It feels the same. Yeah, you get to participate, but only after we've made you hate yourself a little more for being different.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

the good and the frustrating

So tonight at weigh in, I got quite the surprise. I figured I was down maybe one and a half or two pounds (based on what my scale at home said) but the receptionist says "WOW!" and I'm all "Huh?" and she says, "You lost 4.2 pounds!" I honestly thought she was kidding or read it wrong or something. LOL
Good deal... I'm now only 2/10ths of a pound away from 30 pounds lost.

So... that's the good. Here's the frustrating:

My gym is doing a weight loss contest. I went and signed up today, and we're all supposed to weigh in the first week of April, and then again at the end of May. Here's the problem. They're going to have us weigh in on their IronMan scale. When I went for my consultation with the trainer, she tried to weigh me on it, and we got an error message because I was too heavy for it and exceeded the weight limit. I thought, having lost nearly 30 pounds, I'd be under the limit, but I just googled the model they have, and nope. I'm still 17 pounds over the limit.

So when I go to weigh in at the beginning of April, I'll have that fun *sarcasm* experience of getting an error message because I'm too heavy for their scale. And even though they have a regular scale that I don't exceed the weight limit on, I'm sure they're not going to weigh me on that when they're weighing everyone else in on the IronMan. So basically, I'm probably out of this contest before it even starts. And I'm sitting here feeling sick at my stomach and wanting to cry, because I was actually looking forward to this. Really looking forward to it.


Saturday, March 19, 2011

So it turns out 25 pounds is pretty heavy.

I found a 25 pound dumbbell tonight at the gym and picked it up. It pretty much took both hands. 25 pounds may not seem like a lot when I'm thinking about how much I still need to lose, but when I go and pick up a 25 pound weight, it's amazing knowing I'm not hauling that around anymore. No wonder I feel better and I'm moving faster. :)

I also decided I'd try out the elliptical again tonight. I said to myself I just wanted to make it 7 minutes. I decided to set the timer for 8 minutes... and when I got close to 8, I bumped it up to 10. When I got close to 10, I thought to myself, why not 15 minutes? So I did 15 minutes, plus a 5 minute cool down, for a total of 20 minutes on the elliptical. I can very clearly remember it wasn't that long ago that I struggled to make 3 minutes on it. And by the end of my 20 minutes, yeah, I was REALLY ready to be done, but I did it. Afterwards I did 35 minutes on the treadmill, at 2.5mph so I'd have nearly an hour of workout time.

Friday, March 18, 2011

25 pounds.

Technically, 25.6 pounds. GONE. I didn't hang around for the meeting tonight, but I'll get my 25 pound award (and another 5 pound star) at the meeting Tuesday.

I need to try to remember to find a 25 pound weight and pick it up when I go to the gym tomorrow, just to get a real sense of how much weight that really is. On the one hand, I know that's a signficant amount of weight, and I am proud of losing it. On the other hand, I can't help but think it's a small amount compared to what I still have to lose.

So I guess Mom had gone to the Arkansas-side Walmart, and they had new NASCAR stuff in, including a pair of mens' sleep shorts. Mens' Kyle Busch sleep shorts, to be exact. She told me they had a pair of 2Xs, so we went there after I weighed in. I bought them, thinking it would probably be a while before I could wear them... well, they're made of jersey-type material. And I tried them on when I got home, and while they don't fit loose like they're intended to, they do indeed fit and aren't uncomfortable. Pretty exciting stuff.

Also exciting? I finally bumped up to a higher weight on the shoulder press tonight, and I wasn't completely dying when I finished my set. In other words, maybe it won't take too long to go up another 5 pounds on it.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Time to brag for a minute

I actually got to bump up to a higher weight on all my arm, chest, and back exercises tonight, with the exception of the shoulder press. I love it, because I know it means I'm getting stronger. =)  Plus, I've been walking more than 2 miles most nights. Actually, a tiny bit over 2 and a half miles. On the nights that I take it "easy", I'm walking over a mile and a half. That's crazy to me. When I started in January, I probably couldn't have even walked for 15 minutes, at a really slow pace. I was working hard to get 20 minutes on the bike. Right now, the speed that just absolutely felt like I was going to die if I walked at it for more than a minute when I first started on the treadmill... it's too slow to feel comfortable now. =)

When I flex, I can TOTALLY feel that I have biceps! Yes, they're hidden under a lot of jiggle, but they're there! So awesome!

I've decided that I want to do the track walk at TMS at the November race. I've always thought it would be cool to do, but I knew there was no way in hell I could walk a mile and a half track, and I didn't want to be one of those people having to get a ride back on the golf cart. But that's far enough away that I KNOW I'll be able to handle it. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011


So... I was down another pound at weigh-in last night, which brings me to a total of 20.2 pounds lost. I got another 5 pound star. Mom and I went to town early yesterday, because we had some bills to go pay, and we also had a coupon to buy one, get one half off for lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.  We spent some time just browsing clothes at Kohls, and then we went over to the shoe section, where I gazed longingly at all the cute heels. After walking around and picking up heels and looking at them all and dreaming about buying them once I'm smaller and can actually stand to walk in them, I decided I wanted to look at running shoes and training shoes. I tried on five or six pairs, just for grins, to see what I liked and didn't. Right now I don't actually need a new pair of shoes, but I'm thinking maybe a nice new pair of running shoes would be a good gift for myself at 50 pounds lost, maybe. I looked at all these bright neon shoes that I would've been scared to get before, for fear that they'd draw attention to my feet and just how slowly I walk. Now I look at them and think, hell yeah, let them draw attention-- they just scream fun! After Kohls we ended up going to Academy. They just opened our Academy store a couple months ago, and this was my first trip to it. I've been to one before, and I don't remember being impressed, but this time I was walking around wide-eyed and thinking "This place is like exercise heaven!" I wanted to look at their workout clothes, again, just as a sort of 'let me dream about being able to walk in and buy this stuff to look cute in while I bust my ass' thing, but Mom and I started poking around (I really will need to get new sports bras at the rate I'm going) and we discovered a rack of Nike plus-sized clothes! No plain sports bras, but they did have the racerback tops that have a bra built in. (I used to have one that was made my Just My Size that I loved and wore until it literally came apart from being washed so much) They also had these Dri-Fit shirts in pretty colors, and sure enough, when we dug through the rack, they had stuff in a 3X. I was thrilled, but I didn't really have enough money to get anything. We made a mental note to come back later when funds are more plentiful, and then kept walking back... where we found a clearance rack. And with some digging, I found a white Nike Dri-Fit top in a 3X on the clearance rack for half price. I went and tried it on, and while it is tight, it fits. (I assume part of that has to do with the material it's made from) I decided to get it, and we walked on around to shoes, where I tried on another five pair or so.

So I wore my fun little top to the gym tonight, and as I pulled up, there was another car in the parking lot. A month ago, even, if I'd pulled up and saw someone else was there, I would've left. Especially once I realized it was a guy. Especially with me in a body-hugging shirt.Tonight, I said screw it, and went on in. I did my hour on the treadmill, at 2.3mph (with the last 10 minutes at 2.5mph) while watching the reunion show of MTV's I Used to Be Fat. So much of what was said during the interviews about the process really stuck in my head-- how it ended up changing them as people, not just changing their weight. I can really identify with that. I know it's only been 2 months, but I can feel myself becoming more confident. Anyway, I finished up at about the same time he did, and as we were both getting off our machines, he says to me "Wow, you were really KILLING it over there!" I can't even describe the feeling I got hearing that. He asked me how long I'd been a member, told me it was only his second time going, and he asked me about what times were best as far it not being crowded. We had this whole little five minute conversation walking out to our cars, and after I left, I realized "Wow, I had a whole conversation with a stranger, I made eye contact, and at no point was I self-conscious and thinking about how horrible I looked, etc, etc."

I love the changes I'm seeing in myself!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Lazy Saturday.

So the boy and I are talking on the phone now. Like hour+ long conversations about nothing and everything. And we're chatting on IM, as well. This may all blow up in my face, but for now, things are good, and we're enjoying each others' company. I'm keeping an open mind, while at the same time attempting to keep from having any sort of expectations. I hope things stay like they are now.

Mom told me that it's not that she cares if I talk to him, just that he's really upset me and hurt me before, and doesn't want to see it happen again.

I know that. But I still have hope things will be at least a little bit different this time around. And the fact that we're talking on the phone does make a difference-- there's no misinterpreting whether something is supposed to be a joke that way.

I did 40 minutes at the gym today. I walked at 2.3mph for the first tiny bit of it, but picked it up and walked most of it at 2.5mph. I'm trying to add speed to it, and then when I can walk a little faster, then add time back until I'm back at an hour. I'm still more comfortable going in the middle of the night for strength training, but urgh... I just wanna get on a normal sleep schedule.

I also learned that a Sonic burger is not as points friendly as I might have been led to believe. Won't make that mistake again.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

5% and Life Lessons

So at weigh-in, I was down another 4 pounds, which got me my five percent award!

I'm very proud! I'm learning that this is SO much easier to do when you do the food thing and the exercise thing, instead of doing one or the other. But yes, 5% of my starting weight is gone. My next goal is 10% of my starting weight. I'm just gonna keep plugging away, eating within my points and adding speed and time to my cardio at the gym, and weight to my strength training.

On the subject of strength training... I have biceps!!!! Now, they're pretty much not visible under all of my arm fat, BUT!!! I can feel them! If I flex, it's very obvious by touching that there's a nice little muscle under there. Also, it may be my imagination, but my legs look slightly slimmer, and my calves look tighter/firmer. Mom says my ass and tummy look smaller. I haven't really noticed, but I did wear a pair of jeans today that I started to wear to the fall races at TMS... they were so tight then that I ended up changing out of them in the bathroom at 7-Eleven right after we left the hotel. They were even a little bit loose in the butt today. In addition to that, I had bought a new pair of jeans at Lane Bryant right before Christmas, and when I got them, I couldn't even get them buttoned. I got them buttoned and zipped this morning! They were a little bit too tight to want to wear them today, but getting them on and buttoned is a victory.

On the subject of unpleasant life lessons... we ate at Applebees this afternoon. I thought that since I got up late and didn't have breakfast, it wouldn't be a big deal to have a cheeseburger... turns out that cheeseburger was 25 points. Don't get me wrong; it was delicious, but it sucks that now I'm going to have to dip into my weekly points for dinner, when I could've chosen something that would've been less points.

The other unpleasant life lesson of the day... sometimes doing what's right for you is hard. The boy I talked about in my first entry? I had facebook messaged him about a month ago... he got back to me Monday, and was pretty ugly. I basically told him he didn't know me at all and I wished him well, expecting that to be it. Instead, he wrote back and apologized, said he was only trying to be playful and was just screwing around, and was sorry if he'd offended me, as it wasn't his intent, and that if I really wanted him to just leave me alone, tell him that, and he would. He just seemed so sincere about it that I accepted his apology, and we talked on the phone yesterday and today. Here's the thing, though: he has mental health issues. And as much as I'd like to pretend that's not the case, that if he's medicated he's okay, when I talk to him, it's obvious that's not true. He ended up being hospitalized again this past month... for (from what I gathered) leaving messages on his ex-girlfriend's Facebook wall threatening to come and stab her husband and threatening to cut his own arms off, among other things. The nonchalant way he talks about these things just... *sigh* I don't know. I can't tell if he says and does these things just for the hell of it, that he wouldn't do it, it's just to get a rise out of people... or if he's serious and would do such things. I went back and looked at some of the messages our friends in common had left on his Facebook wall, and they basically said he was being way out there, even for him. So I think... I know... the best thing for me to do is just block him on Facebook, block his number from my phone, and move on and leave the past in the past. But I feel guilty doing that. I know I need to, but I wish I didn't feel guilty.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

It just made me want more.

So I went to my fitness consultation with the personal trainer at the gym today. Her name is Malissa, and she's pretty much awesomesauce. I've always figured all personal trainers are like Jillian Michaels, and don't get me wrong, I like Jillian, but I don't respond well to that sort of pushing. I need more of the encouraging, nuturing-type vibe. LOL

She had me do 5 minutes on the elliptical machine, and that's a new personal record for me. Then she had me do a few exercises on the machines (ones I actually already knew how to use, sorta bummed about that) and a few exercises with the cable system (which I probably won't be able to do on my own if the same handles aren't on there when I go, since I don't know how to change them out). And that was that, other than telling me how much she'd LOVE to work with me, and showing me prices and stuff.

Of course, I can't afford it. I'm not working right now (because no one wants to hire me-- and I know part of it is weight. It's pretty damn obvious from the look on interviewers' faces what they're thinking) and Mom is on unemployment, which just got cut back from the max amount to $100 a week. She's drawing her retirement, too, but we're living off of next to nothing. Still, I thought... I don't know WHY I thought this, but I thought somehow, if I told Mom what Malissa said about losing 100 pounds in 6 months, I thought she'd be willing to try to scrape it together somehow. Nope. I asked about trying to get the money together for one of the packages, like the $99 package, which would get me like, 3 sessions. Which I know isn't a lot, but it would be enough to get me used to all the equipment and into a routine. Nope. She wouldn't even consider it.

You know, I realize we don't have any money. But I also realize that I have to get this weight off, or next thing we know, we'll be paying outrageous medical bills because I've had a stroke or heart attack. And I'm trying. I really am. I've never been more committed to anything than I am to this. But there are gonna be things I can't figure out on my own and I'm going to need help with.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Because I can't handle silence. LOL

I told several people a week or two ago that I would post my gym playlists, and I'm just getting around to doing it. These are the four I use the most often (I have 9 of them saved on my iPod) and there's a little bit of overlap on some of the songs.

gym mix 1
Pink—Fucking Perfect
Tiesto ft. CC Sheffield—Escape Me
Christina Aguilera—Not Myself Tonight
Kaci Battaglia ft. Ludacris—Body Shots
Kelly Clarkson—Walk Away
Black Eyed Peas—Imma Be
Lady Gaga—The Fame
Far East Movement—Like a G6
Pink—Raise Your Glass
Kanye West—Touch the Sky
Superchick—Rock What You Got
3 Doors Down—Right Where I Belong
Afrojack—Take Over Control
3OH!3—Double Vision
Katy Perry—Peacock
DJ Khaled—All I Do Is Win

gym mix 3
Gwen Stefani—Wind It Up
Christina Aguilera—Soar
Taylor Swift—Better Than Revenge
LMFAO—I’m in Miami Bitch
Frou Frou—Holding Out for a Hero
Timbaland—Morning After Dark
Leighton Meester—Set It On Fire
Shiny Toy Guns—Ghost Town
Basement Jaxx—Do Your Thing
Fort Minor—Remember the Name
The Offspring—You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid
Red Hot Chili Peppers—Suck My Kiss
Eden’s Crush—Get Over Yourself
Cascada—Because the Night
Travie McCoy—We’ll Be Alright
Trey Songz—Bottoms Up

gym mix 5
Katy Perry—Peacock
The Faders—No Sleep Tonight
Knaan ft. Adam Levine—Bang Bang
Avenged Sevenfold—Almost Easy
Cascada—Because the Night
Anberlin—Feel Good Drag
Avril Lavigne—What the Hell
Enrique Iglesias—Tonight (I’m Fucking You)
DMX—Ruff Ryders Anthem
Cobra Starship—Pete Wentz is the Only Reason We’re Famous
My Chemical Romance—Sing
Christina Aguilera—Fighter
Britney Spears—Break the Ice
David Guetta ft. Akon—Sexy Bitch
Asher Roth—She Don’t Wanna Man

gym mix 7
Bob Sinclair—Love Generation
Black Eyed Peas—The Time
Bodyrockers—I Like The Way
Britney Spears—Break the Ice
Chiddy Bang—Opposite of Adults
Christina Aguilera—Prima Donna
Cobra Starship—Move Like You Gonna Die
David Guetta—Memories
The Downtown Fiction—I Just Wanna Run
Eminem ft. Pink—Won’t Back Down
Katy Perry—One of the Boys
Ke$ha—We R Who We R
Leighton Meester—Set it on Fire
The Killers—Spaceman
Joanna Pacitti—Watch Me Shine
Pink—Ave Mary A
Red Hot Chili Peppers—Love Rollercoaster
DJ Khaled—All I Do is Win

Feeling great... and then not-so-much.

So weigh in went great last night-- I lost 3.4 pounds. I was so excited about it. And I have worked my butt off in the gym for it. I also got my fitness consultation scheduled for Thursday at noon, and I'm excited about that.

Anyway, I didn't think about entering my weight into Etools last night, so I did it a few minutes ago, all excited about getting another little virtual star since I've now lost a total of 15.2 pounds... and I got said virtual star, but I also got this nice little pop up message.

Wow, thanks Weight Watchers. I was feeling great about myself, and you just shit all over it. Never mind the fact that I gained .4 lbs last week. Never mind the fact that I weigh more than a pro football player, so no, I really doubt that that losing more than 2 pounds a week average is going to hurt me. Never mind the fact that I'm sure my doctor would be absolutely THRILLED with the weight I've lost so far.

Here's the thing. Meetings are kinda "eh" for me. Especially with how my leader (and Weight Watchers in general) seems to be very down on the gym, and acts like everyone hates going there, and always suggests doing something other than the gym for exercise. Hello? You're alienating your members who actually LIKE to go to the gym. I'm also finding myself really annoyed by people saying you "can't have" this, and "can't have" that, food-wise. The whole point of Weight Watchers, I thought, was that you can eat anything you want, in moderation, and learning to make smarter food choices. And instead I find myself sitting in meetings as we make lists of foods we "can't" have, hearing about how I ought to be eating fat-free everything. (Dairy, especially stands out to me. Which is interesting, since recent studies have shown that a little bit of fat in your dairy actually helps you lose weight) Honestly... the only reason I'm going to meetings is to get the Weekly update thing, and for the rewards (the stars, etc).

I have the program materials... I could follow it at home. Although figuring out when I should lose a point might be difficult, since there's no chart of that anymore. I suspect they did that on purpose.

I got a late start today, so I guess I'm going to the gym this afternoon. Heh. Although I guess Weight Watchers would say I ought to skip it, since I'm losing weight too quickly to suit them.

ETA: I just realized I can refigure my points on the calculator. That's how I'll know how much to go down on my points. And when I say "weigh more than football player" I don't mean this football player:

I mean this football player:

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I guess there's an adjustment period?

I've been so tired by... well, waaaaay too early the past few days, and I guess it's my body trying to get used to walking for an hour every day. On the plus side, I've finally worked my way back around to being awake during the day and asleep at night. But last night... last night I went to bed at like, 11pm. I felt like a 90-year-old lady going to bed that early. The best part was that I woke up at 5-ish. Oops. I played on the computer for about an hour and then went back to sleep, thinking I'd get up at about 8... nope. I slept til 11. Oops again. I've still gotta go to the gym later today. I may wait and go after it gets dark because the windows in front of the treadmills face left, and I don't know that I want to be blinded while I walk.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Dear Saturday... less stress, please!

So, things started off decently enough. I actually slept last night, got back on a normal sleep schedule, and woke up right around 7am. Got up, had my oatmeal and banana, and was all excited because NASCAR is finally back. Went to the gym... and when I tried to check in on Foursquare, my phone wouldn't work properly. I tried to tweet, same results. I decided I'd deal with it afterwards, and got my walk on... and bumped up the last 4 minutes of both my segments from 2.0mph to 2.2mph. It's not a lot,  but it's a start. After I got done, I got in the car and did a battery pull on the phone, thinking that would fix it... nope. I had hell even getting it to let me make a phone call. I came by the house and picked up my mom to go put some gas in my car... and when I started back to the house, I discovered the TPMS light was on. The last time it came on, I had a flat. None of my tires look flat right now, but I guess I'm gonna have to check the pressures and see. Grr.

Took my phone to the Sprint store, and waited while they tore it apart and tried to find out what was going on... well, whatever was going on was terminal, so I now have a "new" (refurbished) BlackBerry. It only has to make it to December-- that's when I can upgrade, and I'm seriously considering getting an Android.

I guess things turned out okay, but I'm so very good at worst case scenario-ing everything... I was imagining that they were going to make me pay to fix it, and that I was going to be out 100 bucks and end up with a refurb, and end up with my contract extended by two years... I really need to learn to chill and expect the best outcome, not the worst.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Yep, I was right.

I gained .4 lbs. Yes, 4 tenths of a pound. I was distracted the entire meeting because of it. And I know that's not a lot, and it's possible it's muscle or that I needed to pee (which I did go do about halfway through the meeting) and I have been working out harder/longer, so... I guess it could just take my body a week or so to get used to that.

I don't know.

Regardless, I did my arms and an hour and five minutes on the treadmill tonight.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Mixed emotions on Tuesdays

Today is weigh-in day. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also nervous. I'm still under my points... haven't used all my weeklies, and used none of my activity points, but I still get nervous that the scale's not going to move.

And I also know that I wore lighter clothes last week than the jeans I usually wear, so I worry that the only reason I lost then was because I was in clothes that weighed less. It's probably just irrational paranoia, and honestly, I know that if I'm doing what I should be doing-- eating better and exercising-- that the weight will come off, even if there's weeks it doesn't show on the scale. I know this. I know that worry is useless.

Last night and tonight I walked for an hour. Now, I know that at 2mph I'm not breaking any land speed records, but I wouldn't have ever thought I was capable of walking for an hour. And after I did it last night, it didn't seem nearly as hard tonight. Kinda like I proved to myself I can do it, so now I just need to prove I can do it again and again.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Snow is fun, until...

Until it interrupts your little carefully carved out routine. =)

I didn't get to go to the gym last night because we were buried under 4 inches of snow and two inches of ice. Now, I realize if you're from up north, that probably doesn't sound that bad... but keep in mind that down here, we're not conditioned to drive in that mess. Since I couldn't go last night, I decided I'd tack some extra time onto my workout tonight... so I walked for 50 minutes instead of 35. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

The really amazing thing to me is that I actually missed going last night. Going and exercising makes me feel good, and I don't like the lazy feeling I get by not going. If someone had told me I'd be pissed because I couldn't go to the gym a couple months ago, I would've laughed and called them crazy.

I got an email at the beginning of the week that I still hadn't scheduled my free fitness consultation that comes with my gym membership. I don't know why I'm putting it off. I know I need to go and do it, because there are several weight machines that I'm not sure about how to use, and I'd like to be able to use them. I guess I'm just not looking forward to probably having to work out in front of someone. And that's dumb, I know, since the whole point is to evaluate you, see where you are, and tell you how to improve.

Right now I'm telling myself that I'll call and schedule it this week, but I also know I've got to get back on a normal sleep schedule so I can actually be awake during the daytime to go do it.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The obligatory introductory post

Where do I start? There's the information you can gather from looking at my profile, like the fact that I'm 29 years old and Southern, that I love my Coca Cola, that I'm a fan of certain sports, that I like road trips and funny movies, that my BlackBerry only leaves my hand when I'm asleep, and that my music tastes are varied.

Then there's the stuff you can figure out from reading the post I brought over from a previous blog. Stuff like that at 29 years old, I've never had a real boyfriend. I thought I'd found what I was looking for with a friend... someone I had known for over 10 years, and had always been able to talk to and tell all my deepest insecurities and secrets to. Instead... it turns out I did the emotional equivalent of handing him a loaded gun, trusting him not to fire. It was a mistake. The strange thing is that even knowing what I know, knowing I could spare myself the pain afterwards... I think I'd still choose to do what I did.
I've had a hard time getting over him, and I don't know that I can honestly say that I'm 100% over him, even now, a year later. That's why I brought that post over here... I don't want to forget what it felt like to have my insecurities thrown back in my face.

I like to think that I'm smart, pretty, and funny. I'm also fat. I don't mean that in the "I could stand to lose five pounds, omg, my size 0 pants are too tight" way. I've been a big girl nearly all my life. I can clearly remember kids calling me "Fat Mama" in kindergarten. It's sad, because I look back at pictures of me from back then, and yeah, I was a chubby kid, but... it could've been fixed. Healthier food, less trips to McDonalds, playing outside more... but instead, I continued to get bigger and bigger, and really packed on the pounds after my parents' divorce when I was in second grade. I don't see any reason to go into the gory details, but the years from 4th grade to 6th grade were spent at therapists, in court, and finally, the week of spring break during sixth grade, in a visit to the police station to file charges. Through all of this, food was a comfort.

I know when I graduated high school I weighed at least 250 pounds. And I'm 5'1". I say at least because I figure it was more, but that's not really one of those things you write down in your senior memories book.

Now I feel like if I was still 250 pounds, I'd look like a toothpick compared to my current weight/size. I think back to that summer after high school, when I spent all my time sleeping and playing on the computer, and I wonder how things would have been different if I'd joined the gym, exercised, ate better... but I didn't. And I've had opportunities since then, moments that I look back on and say "you know, if I'd just made changes then..." but I never did. And the times that I did make changes, I half-assed it. I joined Weight Watchers my sophomore year of college, and I actually did well with it. Lost a total of about 24 pounds, and a pants size. But I didn't bother to exercise, and when the semester ended and summer came around, I sort of fell off the program. I gained back my weight I'd lost, plus more. I can remember about what I weighed when I graduated college. I don't even want to say the number. After I graduated, I didn't manage to find a full-time job, and I wasn't happy with what I'd majored in, so I decided to go to nursing school. I can tell you exactly what I weighed then, because I had a copy of my physical with my weight on it. I lied my ass off during the interview and said that I was working on my weight, dieting and exercising. When it came time for clinicals, I ran into a tiny problem with the required uniform. At the time, the guys in the program could wear pullover scrub tops, but the girls had to wear button up tops. I couldn't buy my uniform in the college bookstore, because I didn't fit in the womens' size 3X pants and tops they had. I ordered my stuff, ordered several different sizes... the pants were okay, but the tops... my stomach was too big for the size top I needed so my boobs wouldn't be on display. I got permission to wear a pullover top like the guys wore. That'll make you feel great. 60 people in a program, 80% or more of those females, and you're the only one who's not in a button-down top.

Lots of stuff has happened since then... death of family members who meant the world to me, moving to a different town and trying to get in their nursing program, forgoing nursing to get my teaching certification, moving back to my tiny hometown, spending the better part of two years caring for my grandmother as her health declined, dealing with bringing her home from the hospital to die, finding out my beloved Westie puppy had kidney failure, trying treatment for that, Grandma finally passing, and having to have Whitley put to sleep right after Grandma died. In amongst all of that, I gained another 20 pounds from eating and trying to console myself.

When I found out they were building an Anytime Fitness in my town, I decided it was time to take a good hard look at myself. I'll be 30 this December. I don't want to be 30 and weigh what I weigh. I don't want to be a 30-year-old who hasn't had a serious relationship. I don't want to keep passing up doing all sorts of things I desperately want to do, but can't because my body prevents it. More than anything, I want to look like the girl I feel like on the inside.

I joined the gym on the 30th of December, and while I haven't been every day since then, I've been 24 days since joining. I usually go in the middle of the night, because I'm self-conscious about other people seeing me exercise. I went back to Weight Watchers the first week of January, and I've actually been tracking and measuring my food. When I weighed in Tuesday, I was down a total of 12.2 pounds since my first weigh in on January 4th. When I look at it, it doesn't seem like much. Then I consider that if I lost 12 pounds every month, even if it's only 12 pounds, that would make me 144 pounds lighter at the same time next year.

I'm sure that a lot of my blog posts here will be dealing with my weight, the issues it stems from, and the issues it creates. We'll see. For now, welcome and thanks for joining me on this journey.