Sunday, February 27, 2011

Lazy Saturday.

So the boy and I are talking on the phone now. Like hour+ long conversations about nothing and everything. And we're chatting on IM, as well. This may all blow up in my face, but for now, things are good, and we're enjoying each others' company. I'm keeping an open mind, while at the same time attempting to keep from having any sort of expectations. I hope things stay like they are now.

Mom told me that it's not that she cares if I talk to him, just that he's really upset me and hurt me before, and doesn't want to see it happen again.

I know that. But I still have hope things will be at least a little bit different this time around. And the fact that we're talking on the phone does make a difference-- there's no misinterpreting whether something is supposed to be a joke that way.

I did 40 minutes at the gym today. I walked at 2.3mph for the first tiny bit of it, but picked it up and walked most of it at 2.5mph. I'm trying to add speed to it, and then when I can walk a little faster, then add time back until I'm back at an hour. I'm still more comfortable going in the middle of the night for strength training, but urgh... I just wanna get on a normal sleep schedule.

I also learned that a Sonic burger is not as points friendly as I might have been led to believe. Won't make that mistake again.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

5% and Life Lessons

So at weigh-in, I was down another 4 pounds, which got me my five percent award!

I'm very proud! I'm learning that this is SO much easier to do when you do the food thing and the exercise thing, instead of doing one or the other. But yes, 5% of my starting weight is gone. My next goal is 10% of my starting weight. I'm just gonna keep plugging away, eating within my points and adding speed and time to my cardio at the gym, and weight to my strength training.

On the subject of strength training... I have biceps!!!! Now, they're pretty much not visible under all of my arm fat, BUT!!! I can feel them! If I flex, it's very obvious by touching that there's a nice little muscle under there. Also, it may be my imagination, but my legs look slightly slimmer, and my calves look tighter/firmer. Mom says my ass and tummy look smaller. I haven't really noticed, but I did wear a pair of jeans today that I started to wear to the fall races at TMS... they were so tight then that I ended up changing out of them in the bathroom at 7-Eleven right after we left the hotel. They were even a little bit loose in the butt today. In addition to that, I had bought a new pair of jeans at Lane Bryant right before Christmas, and when I got them, I couldn't even get them buttoned. I got them buttoned and zipped this morning! They were a little bit too tight to want to wear them today, but getting them on and buttoned is a victory.

On the subject of unpleasant life lessons... we ate at Applebees this afternoon. I thought that since I got up late and didn't have breakfast, it wouldn't be a big deal to have a cheeseburger... turns out that cheeseburger was 25 points. Don't get me wrong; it was delicious, but it sucks that now I'm going to have to dip into my weekly points for dinner, when I could've chosen something that would've been less points.

The other unpleasant life lesson of the day... sometimes doing what's right for you is hard. The boy I talked about in my first entry? I had facebook messaged him about a month ago... he got back to me Monday, and was pretty ugly. I basically told him he didn't know me at all and I wished him well, expecting that to be it. Instead, he wrote back and apologized, said he was only trying to be playful and was just screwing around, and was sorry if he'd offended me, as it wasn't his intent, and that if I really wanted him to just leave me alone, tell him that, and he would. He just seemed so sincere about it that I accepted his apology, and we talked on the phone yesterday and today. Here's the thing, though: he has mental health issues. And as much as I'd like to pretend that's not the case, that if he's medicated he's okay, when I talk to him, it's obvious that's not true. He ended up being hospitalized again this past month... for (from what I gathered) leaving messages on his ex-girlfriend's Facebook wall threatening to come and stab her husband and threatening to cut his own arms off, among other things. The nonchalant way he talks about these things just... *sigh* I don't know. I can't tell if he says and does these things just for the hell of it, that he wouldn't do it, it's just to get a rise out of people... or if he's serious and would do such things. I went back and looked at some of the messages our friends in common had left on his Facebook wall, and they basically said he was being way out there, even for him. So I think... I know... the best thing for me to do is just block him on Facebook, block his number from my phone, and move on and leave the past in the past. But I feel guilty doing that. I know I need to, but I wish I didn't feel guilty.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

It just made me want more.

So I went to my fitness consultation with the personal trainer at the gym today. Her name is Malissa, and she's pretty much awesomesauce. I've always figured all personal trainers are like Jillian Michaels, and don't get me wrong, I like Jillian, but I don't respond well to that sort of pushing. I need more of the encouraging, nuturing-type vibe. LOL

She had me do 5 minutes on the elliptical machine, and that's a new personal record for me. Then she had me do a few exercises on the machines (ones I actually already knew how to use, sorta bummed about that) and a few exercises with the cable system (which I probably won't be able to do on my own if the same handles aren't on there when I go, since I don't know how to change them out). And that was that, other than telling me how much she'd LOVE to work with me, and showing me prices and stuff.

Of course, I can't afford it. I'm not working right now (because no one wants to hire me-- and I know part of it is weight. It's pretty damn obvious from the look on interviewers' faces what they're thinking) and Mom is on unemployment, which just got cut back from the max amount to $100 a week. She's drawing her retirement, too, but we're living off of next to nothing. Still, I thought... I don't know WHY I thought this, but I thought somehow, if I told Mom what Malissa said about losing 100 pounds in 6 months, I thought she'd be willing to try to scrape it together somehow. Nope. I asked about trying to get the money together for one of the packages, like the $99 package, which would get me like, 3 sessions. Which I know isn't a lot, but it would be enough to get me used to all the equipment and into a routine. Nope. She wouldn't even consider it.

You know, I realize we don't have any money. But I also realize that I have to get this weight off, or next thing we know, we'll be paying outrageous medical bills because I've had a stroke or heart attack. And I'm trying. I really am. I've never been more committed to anything than I am to this. But there are gonna be things I can't figure out on my own and I'm going to need help with.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Because I can't handle silence. LOL

I told several people a week or two ago that I would post my gym playlists, and I'm just getting around to doing it. These are the four I use the most often (I have 9 of them saved on my iPod) and there's a little bit of overlap on some of the songs.

gym mix 1
Pink—Fucking Perfect
Tiesto ft. CC Sheffield—Escape Me
Christina Aguilera—Not Myself Tonight
Kaci Battaglia ft. Ludacris—Body Shots
Kelly Clarkson—Walk Away
Black Eyed Peas—Imma Be
Lady Gaga—The Fame
Far East Movement—Like a G6
Pink—Raise Your Glass
Kanye West—Touch the Sky
Superchick—Rock What You Got
3 Doors Down—Right Where I Belong
Afrojack—Take Over Control
3OH!3—Double Vision
Katy Perry—Peacock
DJ Khaled—All I Do Is Win

gym mix 3
Gwen Stefani—Wind It Up
Christina Aguilera—Soar
Taylor Swift—Better Than Revenge
LMFAO—I’m in Miami Bitch
Frou Frou—Holding Out for a Hero
Timbaland—Morning After Dark
Leighton Meester—Set It On Fire
Shiny Toy Guns—Ghost Town
Basement Jaxx—Do Your Thing
Fort Minor—Remember the Name
The Offspring—You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid
Red Hot Chili Peppers—Suck My Kiss
Eden’s Crush—Get Over Yourself
Cascada—Because the Night
Travie McCoy—We’ll Be Alright
Trey Songz—Bottoms Up

gym mix 5
Katy Perry—Peacock
The Faders—No Sleep Tonight
Knaan ft. Adam Levine—Bang Bang
Avenged Sevenfold—Almost Easy
Cascada—Because the Night
Anberlin—Feel Good Drag
Avril Lavigne—What the Hell
Enrique Iglesias—Tonight (I’m Fucking You)
DMX—Ruff Ryders Anthem
Cobra Starship—Pete Wentz is the Only Reason We’re Famous
My Chemical Romance—Sing
Christina Aguilera—Fighter
Britney Spears—Break the Ice
David Guetta ft. Akon—Sexy Bitch
Asher Roth—She Don’t Wanna Man

gym mix 7
Bob Sinclair—Love Generation
Black Eyed Peas—The Time
Bodyrockers—I Like The Way
Britney Spears—Break the Ice
Chiddy Bang—Opposite of Adults
Christina Aguilera—Prima Donna
Cobra Starship—Move Like You Gonna Die
David Guetta—Memories
The Downtown Fiction—I Just Wanna Run
Eminem ft. Pink—Won’t Back Down
Katy Perry—One of the Boys
Ke$ha—We R Who We R
Leighton Meester—Set it on Fire
The Killers—Spaceman
Joanna Pacitti—Watch Me Shine
Pink—Ave Mary A
Red Hot Chili Peppers—Love Rollercoaster
DJ Khaled—All I Do is Win

Feeling great... and then not-so-much.

So weigh in went great last night-- I lost 3.4 pounds. I was so excited about it. And I have worked my butt off in the gym for it. I also got my fitness consultation scheduled for Thursday at noon, and I'm excited about that.

Anyway, I didn't think about entering my weight into Etools last night, so I did it a few minutes ago, all excited about getting another little virtual star since I've now lost a total of 15.2 pounds... and I got said virtual star, but I also got this nice little pop up message.

Wow, thanks Weight Watchers. I was feeling great about myself, and you just shit all over it. Never mind the fact that I gained .4 lbs last week. Never mind the fact that I weigh more than a pro football player, so no, I really doubt that that losing more than 2 pounds a week average is going to hurt me. Never mind the fact that I'm sure my doctor would be absolutely THRILLED with the weight I've lost so far.

Here's the thing. Meetings are kinda "eh" for me. Especially with how my leader (and Weight Watchers in general) seems to be very down on the gym, and acts like everyone hates going there, and always suggests doing something other than the gym for exercise. Hello? You're alienating your members who actually LIKE to go to the gym. I'm also finding myself really annoyed by people saying you "can't have" this, and "can't have" that, food-wise. The whole point of Weight Watchers, I thought, was that you can eat anything you want, in moderation, and learning to make smarter food choices. And instead I find myself sitting in meetings as we make lists of foods we "can't" have, hearing about how I ought to be eating fat-free everything. (Dairy, especially stands out to me. Which is interesting, since recent studies have shown that a little bit of fat in your dairy actually helps you lose weight) Honestly... the only reason I'm going to meetings is to get the Weekly update thing, and for the rewards (the stars, etc).

I have the program materials... I could follow it at home. Although figuring out when I should lose a point might be difficult, since there's no chart of that anymore. I suspect they did that on purpose.

I got a late start today, so I guess I'm going to the gym this afternoon. Heh. Although I guess Weight Watchers would say I ought to skip it, since I'm losing weight too quickly to suit them.

ETA: I just realized I can refigure my points on the calculator. That's how I'll know how much to go down on my points. And when I say "weigh more than football player" I don't mean this football player:

I mean this football player:

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I guess there's an adjustment period?

I've been so tired by... well, waaaaay too early the past few days, and I guess it's my body trying to get used to walking for an hour every day. On the plus side, I've finally worked my way back around to being awake during the day and asleep at night. But last night... last night I went to bed at like, 11pm. I felt like a 90-year-old lady going to bed that early. The best part was that I woke up at 5-ish. Oops. I played on the computer for about an hour and then went back to sleep, thinking I'd get up at about 8... nope. I slept til 11. Oops again. I've still gotta go to the gym later today. I may wait and go after it gets dark because the windows in front of the treadmills face left, and I don't know that I want to be blinded while I walk.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Dear Saturday... less stress, please!

So, things started off decently enough. I actually slept last night, got back on a normal sleep schedule, and woke up right around 7am. Got up, had my oatmeal and banana, and was all excited because NASCAR is finally back. Went to the gym... and when I tried to check in on Foursquare, my phone wouldn't work properly. I tried to tweet, same results. I decided I'd deal with it afterwards, and got my walk on... and bumped up the last 4 minutes of both my segments from 2.0mph to 2.2mph. It's not a lot,  but it's a start. After I got done, I got in the car and did a battery pull on the phone, thinking that would fix it... nope. I had hell even getting it to let me make a phone call. I came by the house and picked up my mom to go put some gas in my car... and when I started back to the house, I discovered the TPMS light was on. The last time it came on, I had a flat. None of my tires look flat right now, but I guess I'm gonna have to check the pressures and see. Grr.

Took my phone to the Sprint store, and waited while they tore it apart and tried to find out what was going on... well, whatever was going on was terminal, so I now have a "new" (refurbished) BlackBerry. It only has to make it to December-- that's when I can upgrade, and I'm seriously considering getting an Android.

I guess things turned out okay, but I'm so very good at worst case scenario-ing everything... I was imagining that they were going to make me pay to fix it, and that I was going to be out 100 bucks and end up with a refurb, and end up with my contract extended by two years... I really need to learn to chill and expect the best outcome, not the worst.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Yep, I was right.

I gained .4 lbs. Yes, 4 tenths of a pound. I was distracted the entire meeting because of it. And I know that's not a lot, and it's possible it's muscle or that I needed to pee (which I did go do about halfway through the meeting) and I have been working out harder/longer, so... I guess it could just take my body a week or so to get used to that.

I don't know.

Regardless, I did my arms and an hour and five minutes on the treadmill tonight.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Mixed emotions on Tuesdays

Today is weigh-in day. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also nervous. I'm still under my points... haven't used all my weeklies, and used none of my activity points, but I still get nervous that the scale's not going to move.

And I also know that I wore lighter clothes last week than the jeans I usually wear, so I worry that the only reason I lost then was because I was in clothes that weighed less. It's probably just irrational paranoia, and honestly, I know that if I'm doing what I should be doing-- eating better and exercising-- that the weight will come off, even if there's weeks it doesn't show on the scale. I know this. I know that worry is useless.

Last night and tonight I walked for an hour. Now, I know that at 2mph I'm not breaking any land speed records, but I wouldn't have ever thought I was capable of walking for an hour. And after I did it last night, it didn't seem nearly as hard tonight. Kinda like I proved to myself I can do it, so now I just need to prove I can do it again and again.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Snow is fun, until...

Until it interrupts your little carefully carved out routine. =)

I didn't get to go to the gym last night because we were buried under 4 inches of snow and two inches of ice. Now, I realize if you're from up north, that probably doesn't sound that bad... but keep in mind that down here, we're not conditioned to drive in that mess. Since I couldn't go last night, I decided I'd tack some extra time onto my workout tonight... so I walked for 50 minutes instead of 35. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

The really amazing thing to me is that I actually missed going last night. Going and exercising makes me feel good, and I don't like the lazy feeling I get by not going. If someone had told me I'd be pissed because I couldn't go to the gym a couple months ago, I would've laughed and called them crazy.

I got an email at the beginning of the week that I still hadn't scheduled my free fitness consultation that comes with my gym membership. I don't know why I'm putting it off. I know I need to go and do it, because there are several weight machines that I'm not sure about how to use, and I'd like to be able to use them. I guess I'm just not looking forward to probably having to work out in front of someone. And that's dumb, I know, since the whole point is to evaluate you, see where you are, and tell you how to improve.

Right now I'm telling myself that I'll call and schedule it this week, but I also know I've got to get back on a normal sleep schedule so I can actually be awake during the daytime to go do it.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The obligatory introductory post

Where do I start? There's the information you can gather from looking at my profile, like the fact that I'm 29 years old and Southern, that I love my Coca Cola, that I'm a fan of certain sports, that I like road trips and funny movies, that my BlackBerry only leaves my hand when I'm asleep, and that my music tastes are varied.

Then there's the stuff you can figure out from reading the post I brought over from a previous blog. Stuff like that at 29 years old, I've never had a real boyfriend. I thought I'd found what I was looking for with a friend... someone I had known for over 10 years, and had always been able to talk to and tell all my deepest insecurities and secrets to. Instead... it turns out I did the emotional equivalent of handing him a loaded gun, trusting him not to fire. It was a mistake. The strange thing is that even knowing what I know, knowing I could spare myself the pain afterwards... I think I'd still choose to do what I did.
I've had a hard time getting over him, and I don't know that I can honestly say that I'm 100% over him, even now, a year later. That's why I brought that post over here... I don't want to forget what it felt like to have my insecurities thrown back in my face.

I like to think that I'm smart, pretty, and funny. I'm also fat. I don't mean that in the "I could stand to lose five pounds, omg, my size 0 pants are too tight" way. I've been a big girl nearly all my life. I can clearly remember kids calling me "Fat Mama" in kindergarten. It's sad, because I look back at pictures of me from back then, and yeah, I was a chubby kid, but... it could've been fixed. Healthier food, less trips to McDonalds, playing outside more... but instead, I continued to get bigger and bigger, and really packed on the pounds after my parents' divorce when I was in second grade. I don't see any reason to go into the gory details, but the years from 4th grade to 6th grade were spent at therapists, in court, and finally, the week of spring break during sixth grade, in a visit to the police station to file charges. Through all of this, food was a comfort.

I know when I graduated high school I weighed at least 250 pounds. And I'm 5'1". I say at least because I figure it was more, but that's not really one of those things you write down in your senior memories book.

Now I feel like if I was still 250 pounds, I'd look like a toothpick compared to my current weight/size. I think back to that summer after high school, when I spent all my time sleeping and playing on the computer, and I wonder how things would have been different if I'd joined the gym, exercised, ate better... but I didn't. And I've had opportunities since then, moments that I look back on and say "you know, if I'd just made changes then..." but I never did. And the times that I did make changes, I half-assed it. I joined Weight Watchers my sophomore year of college, and I actually did well with it. Lost a total of about 24 pounds, and a pants size. But I didn't bother to exercise, and when the semester ended and summer came around, I sort of fell off the program. I gained back my weight I'd lost, plus more. I can remember about what I weighed when I graduated college. I don't even want to say the number. After I graduated, I didn't manage to find a full-time job, and I wasn't happy with what I'd majored in, so I decided to go to nursing school. I can tell you exactly what I weighed then, because I had a copy of my physical with my weight on it. I lied my ass off during the interview and said that I was working on my weight, dieting and exercising. When it came time for clinicals, I ran into a tiny problem with the required uniform. At the time, the guys in the program could wear pullover scrub tops, but the girls had to wear button up tops. I couldn't buy my uniform in the college bookstore, because I didn't fit in the womens' size 3X pants and tops they had. I ordered my stuff, ordered several different sizes... the pants were okay, but the tops... my stomach was too big for the size top I needed so my boobs wouldn't be on display. I got permission to wear a pullover top like the guys wore. That'll make you feel great. 60 people in a program, 80% or more of those females, and you're the only one who's not in a button-down top.

Lots of stuff has happened since then... death of family members who meant the world to me, moving to a different town and trying to get in their nursing program, forgoing nursing to get my teaching certification, moving back to my tiny hometown, spending the better part of two years caring for my grandmother as her health declined, dealing with bringing her home from the hospital to die, finding out my beloved Westie puppy had kidney failure, trying treatment for that, Grandma finally passing, and having to have Whitley put to sleep right after Grandma died. In amongst all of that, I gained another 20 pounds from eating and trying to console myself.

When I found out they were building an Anytime Fitness in my town, I decided it was time to take a good hard look at myself. I'll be 30 this December. I don't want to be 30 and weigh what I weigh. I don't want to be a 30-year-old who hasn't had a serious relationship. I don't want to keep passing up doing all sorts of things I desperately want to do, but can't because my body prevents it. More than anything, I want to look like the girl I feel like on the inside.

I joined the gym on the 30th of December, and while I haven't been every day since then, I've been 24 days since joining. I usually go in the middle of the night, because I'm self-conscious about other people seeing me exercise. I went back to Weight Watchers the first week of January, and I've actually been tracking and measuring my food. When I weighed in Tuesday, I was down a total of 12.2 pounds since my first weigh in on January 4th. When I look at it, it doesn't seem like much. Then I consider that if I lost 12 pounds every month, even if it's only 12 pounds, that would make me 144 pounds lighter at the same time next year.

I'm sure that a lot of my blog posts here will be dealing with my weight, the issues it stems from, and the issues it creates. We'll see. For now, welcome and thanks for joining me on this journey.