Thursday, June 23, 2011

More random things I'm looking forward to...

I'm watching the National Dance Team Championships on ESPN-U. I kinda always wanted to be a cheerleader when I was younger. That ship has sailed, obviously, unless someone invents a time machine. But... hip hop dance class? Definitely on my to-do list. As is pole dancing, for that matter.

Also, I ate like crap this past week and it showed on the scale... only lost 2/10ths of a pound. Which yes, any loss is good, but I know I could've done better had I not eaten a bunch of junk. So this week... less junk. More gym.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The stuff about the boy.

Here it is. I got Manda to log into my AIM account and change my password so I can't talk to him. I blocked him on Facebook. I'm just... done. He's nothing but a big ball of negative sucking blackhole-like energy. And I'm done.

I started thinking to myself as I drove up to Texarkana for the meeting on Wednesday... I have my best moments of clarity when I'm speeding down the highway with the radio blasting. I got to questioning myself about why I even bother to talk to him, when he essentially told me that I'm not worth any sort of aggravation/uncomfortableness/mild annoyance. I'm not worth visiting. I've gone down to see him twice in my life, once at 14, and the trip down last year, and both times have been full of lies.

If I'm not worth the trouble to visit, to call... then he's definitely not worth the trouble, either.

And after I got to thinking all of this, I read back over my past journal entries elsewhere about everything I've put up with from him in the past year and a half, everything he's said to me that I wouldn't even repeat out here where the rest of the world could see it...

I read over all the comments from my friends, the people who actually listen to what I have to say, all of these people who have told me I'm worth so much more than him, that I have so much more value than he'll ever place on me, that he's sadistic and sociopathic and that I don't deserve that, don't deserve his bullshit...

and they're right.

And no amount of hoping, wishing, praying, finger-crossing, begging, pleading, or believing is ever going to change what he is.

After the way he's treated me, I don't have any reason to feel guilty for just cutting my losses and walking away. It's the best thing I can do for myself.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

More change. Definitely a case of more being a good thing.

Things that have changed... We're sitting in the movie theater, waiting for Fast Five to start. Yeah, I realize we're over a month late, but that's not really the point. Here's what's different. First of all, Mom says she can tell a difference sitting beside me, that I'm smaller. Secondly, sitting beside me in the cup holder is a Vitamin Water Zero, as opposed to the usual large Coke. And in my purse is a Ziploc bag of Jolly Time Light, instead of a huge bucket of movie theater popcorn. Not because of the price of the theater's popcorn (which is, btw, ridiculous) but because I refuse to eat a small popcorn that'll probably use up ALL of my weekly points.
(So that part of the entry was obviously written on my phone in the theater Thurdsay afternoon) What else has changed? I've been slacking on the gym, again. *sigh* I'm convinced part of it is the weather-- the heat makes me lazy. And then there's the sleeping at night and being awake during the day-- I like going to the gym at night, and that's hard to do when I'm asleep. I'm trying to get back at it, though. I went last night and walked for 45 minutes. It's not the 70 I had been doing, but it's a lot better than nothing.

And then there's the big news... I've lost 50 pounds! Technically 50.8, but who's counting, right? LOL Another 26 or so will have me under that number I wanted to be under by my birthday, so I'm feeling really good about meeting and exceeding that goal.

And right now, that's about all there is to say about the weight loss journey. There's stuff about the boy, but that's a whole other entry worth of things to say. I'm sure I'll be talking about it soon, because I do need to just get it out of my head.

Monday, June 6, 2011

I could just blame the weather, right?

Because omg, it's hotttttttt out there. Near 100 degrees, to be exact. So I guess I could say the reason I haven't been walking like I should is because it's so hot, but there's a problem with that excuse: I have a gym membership. I walk on the treadmill in an air conditioned gym with my iPod blaring and a TV screen right in front of me. I can't exactly say it's too hot to do that.

Something about this time of year just makes me feel so, so lazy. I WILL get my groove back, though. I'll suck it up, and I'll get back in my routine.