Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Sometimes you CAN go back.

I've rejoined Anytime Fitness. The gym is cleaner, newer, the equipment actually works, and I'm not scared to be there by myself at night.

For at least the time being, I'll be going in the middle of the night again. Brian's completely cool with me being back, but I just don't want any awkward conversations with Michele or Heather at this point. After I'm back in my groove, I might not worry so much about going during the day.

I'm also going to start going to Weight Watchers again. I've been paying for it this whole time, but I'd slacked off big time. I've gained. I'm scared to go back because of it, but I also know I've got to get my shit back under control.

I'm going to look back at what I was doing when I was seeing progress, and go back to that.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Breaking the habit all over again.

Sarah blogged today about how she felt in control... man, do I identify with that. I feel like I've been off the rails for a while now-- eating whatever and not giving a fuck, eating until I'm hurting, skipping the gym... and I've just felt weird emotionally. I don't know which came first, but the combination of all of it has been awful.

I told myself after I walked away from the contest at AF that I would take a couple weeks to just get my mind right again. I realized yesterday it's been 5 months of floundering. 5 months that I've wasted. 5 months that the only person I've hurt by wasting is MYSELF. And if I take into account the 5 months I was in the contest at AF, that's nearly a year that I've wasted. Understand, I'm not mad-- because what's done is done, and I can't go back and get those 10 months back.

But I can damn sure get serious and quit wasting any more time, quit hurting myself by not caring and wallowing in self-pity and doubt. So I'm using the Livestrong calorie counter (for two reasons: Weight Watchers tracker is being ridiculous and not saving anything, and I'm trying to eat more organic stuff, and magically, all the brands of foods I'm eating seem to be in the Livestrong tracker) and keeping up with calories, fitness stuff, and water. I'm attempting to go to the gym every day-- 4 days a week of strength training, and more cardio on those other days. I feel better, for sure.

I keep thinking I should, and then... I don't. I don't want to get discouraged based on what the scale might tell me. I know I'm gaining muscle, because the amount of weight I'm lifting is going up.

More than anything, I just want to FEEL good. And eating right and exercising makes me feel good.

Friday, May 25, 2012

So... the gym's a playroom now?

Let's be honest... I go to the gym in the middle of the night because I like having the place to myself, or at least mostly to myself. Another person or two is fine, because usually the folks who are there past midnight are completely focused in on their workouts, so no big deal. I mean... really. I gave up a free gym membership and free personal training so I could get my head right again, and go back to having ME time. 

So I pull up in the parking lot, and there are two vehicles, one of which I know belongs to a chubby guy who's there nearly every night, about the same time. I'm pretty sure he's there for the same reason I'm there-- he doesn't want to work out with a bunch of people around. 

I go inside, and discover that in addition to chubby guy, there are THREE chicks there. One of them is on my elliptical. (My current gym has three elliptical machines, which I have named Angelina, Beatriz, and Calista. Beatriz is the only one that can be trusted to work reliably. Angelina may or may not work, and Calista... you'll get halfway through your workout, and bitch just turns herself off. Oops, there goes your mileage and time!) 

So... no elliptical. Oh well. I pick out a treadmill and put it on the Glute Blaster program, and get to it. I'm thinking these kids (because all three appear to be teenagers... though I'd guess the smallest one might have actually been middle school aged) will leave fairly soon... oh no. They dart around from machine to machine, not really working out, just playing on the equipment. I've got my treadmill set for an hour, and I'm really thinking by the time I'm done, they'll be gone, and I'll go do abs and back... but no! Next thing I know, they've gone over and started the coffee maker. And, of course, are still darting around, playing on the cardio equipment, playing on the weight machines, going in the aerobics studio, the circuit training area... you name it, they went there. 

So I left after I finished my 60 minutes on the treadmill. 

And I resisted the urge to call the police and inquire about the curfew policy. 

(cross-posted from tumblr)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


I am so tired of losing and gaining and losing and gaining (again) the same five pounds. And I know I have no one to blame but myself, and my eating habits of the past couple weeks. It's one thing to eat big on vacation, when you're having food you can't get on a regular basis. It's not okay when it's something you can easily get in your own tiny little town. 
I ate a bunch of ice cream last night. Five servings. Yes, I measured it and counted the points, but still. And it wasn’t even GOOD ice cream. 
I need to get myself together and realize that smaller pants are much better than multiple servings of ice cream that doesn’t even taste that great. Or… anything else that doesn’t taste that great. I don’t mind spending the points on food that truly tastes good, but this eating just because it’s there crap stops now. 
Not only do I keep regaining the same five pounds when I eat like this, I feel like crap when I do it. I know I used to eat til I was stuffed all the time, but god, it hurts now. It feels miserable, and after we had Mother's Day lunch Sunday, I literally spent the rest of the day laying on the couch, barely able to keep my eyes open, and wishing I could just cut a hole in my stomach and let everything I'd eaten spill out. 
And I don't like that I'm not "regular" when I eat like that. (Yeah, yeah, TMI. Oh well.)
Also, this missing a day or two at the gym crap stops now. I feel so much better when I go sweat and lift things and put them down. 

Sunday, April 29, 2012

It's nearly time!!!!

Mini-vacay is so close I can taste it! So excited about getting to see my oldest friend again (seriously, we've been friends since 3-year-old preschool) and getting to see Casey again, in addition to getting to meet Sarah. I'm also super-excited about getting out of this town for a bit. LOL That's always a good thing.

Switching gyms and dropping out of the contest was definitely a good thing for me-- I've lost all but 2.2 pounds of what I had gained, and I've been hitting the gym nearly every night. I feel great. It's wonderful to be back on my own routine and schedule.

Zumba starts May 8th-- I'm ready to check it out!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

A jolt of reality via a friend's tweet.

So titled because that's what I got tonight.

I got my after hours key for the gym Friday afternoon, but I ate so much crap Friday night (seriously... 6 Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, 9 Peeps (I gave Mom *one* of them), nearly all of a 9.9oz bag of Coconut Easter Egg M&Ms, several glasses of KoolAid, two (or was it three?) 12oz bottles of Coke, and a meal from Taco Bell-- the new Dorito taco, a soft taco supreme, and a burrito supreme with a medium Dr. Pepper) that I just didn't feel like doing anything.

I've been eating shit like this for two weeks now. Shit, and ridiculous amounts of it. I know I've been depressed. I know part of it was not getting to go to TMS, but it's gotta be deeper than that. And I don't really know what it is, just that it's been bad. And I couldn't figure out how to fix it.

But slowly, I've gotten my 'up all night, sleep til 2pm' schedule back, and now... now I have my after hours key.

So tonight, when Casey tweeted a pic of her pile of clothes that are all too big now, I thought "Claire, you want to see another pile of clothes like that. You don't want to have to make a pile of all your newer, smaller clothes that you can't fit into because you've been eating a bunch of shit, and not even enjoying it, but just eating it to try and medicate what the Prozac's not taking care of right now. You are going to get yourself back together. And you're going to start by taking your ass to the gym and getting in a proper workout."

So I did. 35 minutes on the elliptical, on the "one big hill" program. And then legs. All the lovely leg machines. The really nice part is that their machines, while not as new, are more similar to the ones that UT Tyler had at their wellness center. And I am beyond glad to have a seated leg curl machine, instead of one you have to lay down on.

And I felt great when I got done. I remembered how much I enjoyed going and working out by myself, in the middle of the night. I remembered how it felt to push as hard as I want, and not worry about the faces I make, how red I am, how big I am, and how loud my breathing is.

I will get back to where I was. And I will surpass where I was, because everything I need to do it is inside me. I have proved that to myself. It's okay that I got off track and forgot it for a bit, because maybe that was what it took to make sure that I will never forget it again.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Just because they're new...

So, I'm thinking the pair of Nikes I had at the back of the closet are going to have to go. I bought them... I can't even remember when, actually. It's been a long time ago, though. Before I lost any weight, I think. I found them while I was cleaning, still wrapped up in their box, and I thought "Oooh, new shoes! I'll wear these to the gym!" Well, in the two days that I've worn them, I've gotten blisters... and more blisters.

They're going in the garage sale, box and all.

In other news... I attempted to use the Stairmaster today. I can't figure out if there's some weight limit I exceed, or if I'm just dumb. I couldn't get the damn thing to work, though, so I ended up doing an hour on the treadmill. I'm leaning towards I just... had no clue what I was doing trying to get it to work. LOL I'll figure it out when I get my key and can go in the middle of the night.

And yes, I could just ask someone... but it's more fun to go exploring in the middle of the night. :)

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I picked the PERFECT time to switch gyms!

Really, I did pick a great time to switch. As I was finishing up my lovely time on the elliptical (and um, I haven't quite figured out the settings on their machines yet, but apparently I increased the resistance on it without knowing it. HARD. lol) I gazed across the room to the bulletin board that hangs over the towel table (yes, we have towel service!) and saw a neon piece of paper that caught my eye.

Zumba is coming soon to New Attitudes. Yes, that's right-- the thing that I've been wanting to try for nearly a year but haven't because I didn't want to have to pay for gas to TXK and pay for the class and blahblahblah... is coming to my gym, 9/10ths of a mile from my house. And all of the fitness classes are included in your membership dues, so I won't have to pay extra!


Friday, March 30, 2012

Out with the old... in with the older?

I suppose it's official now... all but taking back my key. I went and joined the new gym today (which is actually the old gym in town. LOL) It's not nearly as pretty as AF, and the equipment's not as nice and new, but the treadmills work, there are bikes, ellipticals, and steppers, all sorts of weight equipment, a separate room with dumbbells, and of course, the pool. Turns out the water aerobics class is Monday through Friday, but omg, it's at 7:15am. I may still go check it out, though. There's also a cardio and toning class that's in the middle of the day, and a line dancing class??? (yeah, I know. MTE.) I think it's technically intended to be for seniors, but I bet they'd let me go if I wanted to.

So today I didn't do a whole lot... just went and paid for my membership, and walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes. I didn't walk as fast as I know I can, or for as long as I can, but I also haven't been walking on the treadmill lately, so it's kind of time to ease back into that. Oh, and I went dressed in normal street clothes, changed into my workout wear, and then showered afterwards. That was super-nice. This place has an actual locker room, so that's an option.

Like I said, it's not as pretty, but there are some really good things (aside from the pool) about the place. First, it's quiet. I know that sounds weird, but the music they play over the speakers isn't at a god-awful volume... so you don't have to absolutely crank your iPod up to hear it. And it appears that no one is there to show off. While I was there, there were a few women who were probably about my age, maybe a little bit older, some senior citizens, and a guy and girl that I would say were maybe a bit younger than me. The two of them were using the weight equipment together, and everyone else was on cardio equipment. I didn't get any of the "I'm better than you" vibes. The little girl (okay... high school girl) who took my membership application and money didn't try to sell me on any sort of personal training. I pay in person, and they don't yank money out of my checking account. There's no contract, so if I win the lottery and can move somewhere (are you listening, God?), I don't have to pay my way out of anything.

It's just a whole different atmosphere.

I really expected I'd at least get a text message or a phone call or something when I didn't show up for my session at AF today, but I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't. I've still got my key, and I need to take it back, but I really do think I'm just going to have Mom drop it off for me. I'm not wanting to deal with the drama that I know will result when I walk in and hand it over. It's weird how just knowing that I'm not walking back into that situation has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders-- I slept better last night than I have in a week.

I'm getting back on track and doing what needs to be done for me. I love that I have such awesome people supporting me. Thanks to all of y'all.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

It was probably inevitable.

I don't know why I quit blogging over here, but a lot has happened since that last post. (Obviously, since it was in January.)

I just read back over my December 19th post and the part that's in bold? Yeah, well... I'm putting my money where my mouth is. Things came to a head yesterday after my training session with Michele. Last Friday and Monday both she pushed me to do things that, physically speaking, my body is not yet capable of. And when I demonstrated for her that my body is not yet capable, she kept pushing. Monday, I pretty much refused to do one of the things she wanted me to do (Only the second time in 5 months I've refused to do something, and I had a good reason for it-- I knew that at my current weight, it would put severe strain on my wrists to try to crab walk-- from the experience of trying it at home.) She got mad at me for not wanting to try it, and insisted that it was on the schedule for the day, so I would do it. That didn't sit well with me, and I told her that telling me that pretty much made me want to walk out the door. Afterwards, she had me do box jumps (10 of them) and that... well, let's just say that 285 pounds and box jumps results in swollen ankles and lots of pain later. We made it through Monday, though. She had told me we were going to jog outside on Wednesday, and I was absolutely dreading Wednesday's session. If you were ever the slow fat kid in your elementary PE class, you know why. But, somehow, I lucked out Wednesday, or so I thought. She had me do 25 minutes on the Precor AMT, and then was going to have me do some other stuff. She mentioned jumping jacks and squat jumps, and I told her about the swollen ankles Monday night, and asked if she could take it easy on me with the jumping, and even mentioned the fact that I've had my left ankle repaired. So she takes out the jumping jacks, but I end up still having to do 15 squat jumps. And then... she made me jog 10 laps around the gym. I did, somehow, get to walk laps 3 and 6. Regardless, we've made it through the session, and as I'm about to leave, the girl who works in the office comes back, carrying her book of the gym's new nutritional program. Michele absolutely insists that she wants Heather to show me the new program and talk to me about it, and I say, very politely, "Michele, you know I'm doing Weight Watchers and I'm happy with it." She wasn't going to take no for an answer, nor would she even allow me to talk without interrupting me. And at some point during all this, she yelled at me "You gained 15 pounds! It's NOT working! You can't eat sugar cookies and chicken nuggets and soda and..." I have no idea what else she rattled off, because I tuned her out. (I would elaborate on what all happened during January/February, when I pretty much ate and drank all my feelings for 4 solid weeks, but we'll leave it at that, in additon to the gym drama, Patrick showed back up in my life, said he was coming to visit soon, then said the reason he hadn't come to visit was indeed my weight, and then he disappeared for a while, only to pop back up with a sob story about how he'd been arrested, sent back to the mental hospital, and kicked out of his dad's house and was now living in a halfway house) By this point she'd gotten loud, and I'd pretty much gotten loud right back, because there was no other way for what I was saying to even be heard over her shouting. (Note to self in hindsight: What you were saying was never going to be heard anyway. This is when you should have turned around, grabbed your bag, taken your key fob off, handed it to the owner, and left.)

At this point, the owner comes over, and gets involved. And at some point during all this, Michele is still running her mouth, and I tell Brian that if this is the way things are going to be, we can settle up, they can bill me, whatever. Michele yells, "Whatever. If you come Friday, fine. If you don't, I don't care."

Brian pretty much sends her to his office to cool off/wait for him to come talk to her, and then he tells me that it's a slap in the face to them that I won't do their nutrtion thing and that I want to stick with Weight Watchers, when it's not working, and then reminds me, again, that "you signed an agreement with us, and we're doing all this for you, and you're getting it for free." Oh. Well, I didn't realize I signed away my free will for a year of free gym membership and training. Honestly, I could've learned almost everything we've done from an $8 Jillian Michaels DVD and the CrossFit website. I talked to him for at least 30 minutes, including a few moments that included me crying, and as far as I can tell... really, nothing got solved. When I told him that I was clear from the beginning that I planned to stick with Weight Watchers, and had even said as much in my essay, he told me, no, I didn't, and he could go pull it and show me. Um... I wrote it. I poured out my freaking heart in that essay, and trust me, I know exactly what it says. He finally agreed they'd just train me and work me out, and I could stick with Weight Watchers for another month.

But the damage is already done. They've demonstrated to me on more than one occasion that they're not a bit concerned about what this does to me mentally and emotionally. They've thrown the agreement in my face at every turn. I'm supposed to follow blindly and do whatever they say, regardless of what I know to be true for my own body and my own abilities. To them, this is a year long opportunity to get a great story for advertising with some amazing pictures of "Look what we did for this super-fatty! Imagine how we can make you look, since you're normal and only slightly overweight!"

I'm annoyed with myself for even sending that essay in. If I'd kept doing what I was doing on my own, I'd have probably lost another 40 pounds by now. As it is, in the five months I've participated in their program, I've lost a grand total of 12 pounds.

The really horrible part is that I lost confidence in myself, though. I listened to that "you can't do it on your own bullshit" and started to believe it, even when 80 pounds lost on my own shows that I can. I'm not sure what to do to get that confidence back.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Fucking frustrated

I tweeted about this very briefly on my unlocked account, but by the very nature of it being unlocked and open to anyone who manages to stumble upon it, I didn't want to say too much there.

I had this month's weigh-in for the gym this morning. Now, I had plenty of warning and knew it was coming, and wasn't worried about the actual weight part. And it was fine. 284.2 pounds, which was about what I expected, since my scale at home said 282.2 pounds this morning before breakfast. I knew the water would be the same sort of 30-35-ish percent they bitch at me about, refusing to completely accept that, since my blood pressure meds have a diuretic, it doesn't matter how much water I drink, that number will always be lower than what they want. Bone mass was about the same as before, if not exactly the same. Visceral fat actually decreased from 20 to 18, so that's good. I don't know what the body fat number was... probably about the same since Michele didn't say anything about it. But the annoying, frustrating, make me want to scream part... I caught a glimpse of my muscle mass. 122 pounds. It was 125 when I started, and 127 last month. So I've LOST 5 fucking pounds of muscle. And the only explanation I can come up with is this: we were lifting heavy weights. We'd even figured out my max weight on most of the exercises/equipment we were using, and Michele had said we were going to start working on that. Then we had the December weigh-in, and I got all upset because I was so much heavier than I had been. (Because they weighed me the week after my birthday, and the week of my fucking period, when I always put on 5 pounds of water weight) Michele pointed out at the time that I had gained muscle, too, and I basically said I didn't care, it was still upsetting seeing the number on the scale go up. Now, I talked to Michele afterwards, after we were both rational, and I thought we were seeing eye to eye, but unfortunately, Malissa was all "I don't know why she had you lifting all those heavier weights anyway. The last thing you need to be doing when you're trying to lose weight is pack on muscle mass." Um... what? Are you a complete fucking moron? The more muscle you have, the more calories you burn just sitting around! Urgh. So we haven't lifted heavy since then, and we've been doing lots of high-rep, low weight circuits.

I'm so frustrated, and I don't know what to do. I don't WANT to lose muscle mass. I MISS lifting heavy. But I don't know if it's going to do any good to say anything. And I don't really know what to say. Or when.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Wow. Just wow.

So I just read a fellow blogger's post in reference to a link she posted on Twitter to an article about Jennifer Hudson. Or rather, the blog post was in reference to a comment she got about the link she posted.

Once again, I'm just amazed by the way people will delude themselves.

I've been there. I've been fat. Hell, I still am fat. But I've been fatter than I am now. And here's what I know: You are not healthy if you're fat. You don't love yourself. You're not happy. You're not living the best life you can.

Oh, you can say you are... but you're lying to yourself.

So here's an idea... work on yourself. Rather than expending your energy being rude to people who've worked on improving themselves, worked on getting healthier and happy... use that energy to take care of yourself.