Monday, January 23, 2012

Fucking frustrated

I tweeted about this very briefly on my unlocked account, but by the very nature of it being unlocked and open to anyone who manages to stumble upon it, I didn't want to say too much there.

I had this month's weigh-in for the gym this morning. Now, I had plenty of warning and knew it was coming, and wasn't worried about the actual weight part. And it was fine. 284.2 pounds, which was about what I expected, since my scale at home said 282.2 pounds this morning before breakfast. I knew the water would be the same sort of 30-35-ish percent they bitch at me about, refusing to completely accept that, since my blood pressure meds have a diuretic, it doesn't matter how much water I drink, that number will always be lower than what they want. Bone mass was about the same as before, if not exactly the same. Visceral fat actually decreased from 20 to 18, so that's good. I don't know what the body fat number was... probably about the same since Michele didn't say anything about it. But the annoying, frustrating, make me want to scream part... I caught a glimpse of my muscle mass. 122 pounds. It was 125 when I started, and 127 last month. So I've LOST 5 fucking pounds of muscle. And the only explanation I can come up with is this: we were lifting heavy weights. We'd even figured out my max weight on most of the exercises/equipment we were using, and Michele had said we were going to start working on that. Then we had the December weigh-in, and I got all upset because I was so much heavier than I had been. (Because they weighed me the week after my birthday, and the week of my fucking period, when I always put on 5 pounds of water weight) Michele pointed out at the time that I had gained muscle, too, and I basically said I didn't care, it was still upsetting seeing the number on the scale go up. Now, I talked to Michele afterwards, after we were both rational, and I thought we were seeing eye to eye, but unfortunately, Malissa was all "I don't know why she had you lifting all those heavier weights anyway. The last thing you need to be doing when you're trying to lose weight is pack on muscle mass." Um... what? Are you a complete fucking moron? The more muscle you have, the more calories you burn just sitting around! Urgh. So we haven't lifted heavy since then, and we've been doing lots of high-rep, low weight circuits.

I'm so frustrated, and I don't know what to do. I don't WANT to lose muscle mass. I MISS lifting heavy. But I don't know if it's going to do any good to say anything. And I don't really know what to say. Or when.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Wow. Just wow.

So I just read a fellow blogger's post in reference to a link she posted on Twitter to an article about Jennifer Hudson. Or rather, the blog post was in reference to a comment she got about the link she posted.

Once again, I'm just amazed by the way people will delude themselves.

I've been there. I've been fat. Hell, I still am fat. But I've been fatter than I am now. And here's what I know: You are not healthy if you're fat. You don't love yourself. You're not happy. You're not living the best life you can.

Oh, you can say you are... but you're lying to yourself.

So here's an idea... work on yourself. Rather than expending your energy being rude to people who've worked on improving themselves, worked on getting healthier and happy... use that energy to take care of yourself.