Friday, March 30, 2012

Out with the old... in with the older?

I suppose it's official now... all but taking back my key. I went and joined the new gym today (which is actually the old gym in town. LOL) It's not nearly as pretty as AF, and the equipment's not as nice and new, but the treadmills work, there are bikes, ellipticals, and steppers, all sorts of weight equipment, a separate room with dumbbells, and of course, the pool. Turns out the water aerobics class is Monday through Friday, but omg, it's at 7:15am. I may still go check it out, though. There's also a cardio and toning class that's in the middle of the day, and a line dancing class??? (yeah, I know. MTE.) I think it's technically intended to be for seniors, but I bet they'd let me go if I wanted to.

So today I didn't do a whole lot... just went and paid for my membership, and walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes. I didn't walk as fast as I know I can, or for as long as I can, but I also haven't been walking on the treadmill lately, so it's kind of time to ease back into that. Oh, and I went dressed in normal street clothes, changed into my workout wear, and then showered afterwards. That was super-nice. This place has an actual locker room, so that's an option.

Like I said, it's not as pretty, but there are some really good things (aside from the pool) about the place. First, it's quiet. I know that sounds weird, but the music they play over the speakers isn't at a god-awful volume... so you don't have to absolutely crank your iPod up to hear it. And it appears that no one is there to show off. While I was there, there were a few women who were probably about my age, maybe a little bit older, some senior citizens, and a guy and girl that I would say were maybe a bit younger than me. The two of them were using the weight equipment together, and everyone else was on cardio equipment. I didn't get any of the "I'm better than you" vibes. The little girl (okay... high school girl) who took my membership application and money didn't try to sell me on any sort of personal training. I pay in person, and they don't yank money out of my checking account. There's no contract, so if I win the lottery and can move somewhere (are you listening, God?), I don't have to pay my way out of anything.

It's just a whole different atmosphere.

I really expected I'd at least get a text message or a phone call or something when I didn't show up for my session at AF today, but I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't. I've still got my key, and I need to take it back, but I really do think I'm just going to have Mom drop it off for me. I'm not wanting to deal with the drama that I know will result when I walk in and hand it over. It's weird how just knowing that I'm not walking back into that situation has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders-- I slept better last night than I have in a week.

I'm getting back on track and doing what needs to be done for me. I love that I have such awesome people supporting me. Thanks to all of y'all.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

It was probably inevitable.

I don't know why I quit blogging over here, but a lot has happened since that last post. (Obviously, since it was in January.)

I just read back over my December 19th post and the part that's in bold? Yeah, well... I'm putting my money where my mouth is. Things came to a head yesterday after my training session with Michele. Last Friday and Monday both she pushed me to do things that, physically speaking, my body is not yet capable of. And when I demonstrated for her that my body is not yet capable, she kept pushing. Monday, I pretty much refused to do one of the things she wanted me to do (Only the second time in 5 months I've refused to do something, and I had a good reason for it-- I knew that at my current weight, it would put severe strain on my wrists to try to crab walk-- from the experience of trying it at home.) She got mad at me for not wanting to try it, and insisted that it was on the schedule for the day, so I would do it. That didn't sit well with me, and I told her that telling me that pretty much made me want to walk out the door. Afterwards, she had me do box jumps (10 of them) and that... well, let's just say that 285 pounds and box jumps results in swollen ankles and lots of pain later. We made it through Monday, though. She had told me we were going to jog outside on Wednesday, and I was absolutely dreading Wednesday's session. If you were ever the slow fat kid in your elementary PE class, you know why. But, somehow, I lucked out Wednesday, or so I thought. She had me do 25 minutes on the Precor AMT, and then was going to have me do some other stuff. She mentioned jumping jacks and squat jumps, and I told her about the swollen ankles Monday night, and asked if she could take it easy on me with the jumping, and even mentioned the fact that I've had my left ankle repaired. So she takes out the jumping jacks, but I end up still having to do 15 squat jumps. And then... she made me jog 10 laps around the gym. I did, somehow, get to walk laps 3 and 6. Regardless, we've made it through the session, and as I'm about to leave, the girl who works in the office comes back, carrying her book of the gym's new nutritional program. Michele absolutely insists that she wants Heather to show me the new program and talk to me about it, and I say, very politely, "Michele, you know I'm doing Weight Watchers and I'm happy with it." She wasn't going to take no for an answer, nor would she even allow me to talk without interrupting me. And at some point during all this, she yelled at me "You gained 15 pounds! It's NOT working! You can't eat sugar cookies and chicken nuggets and soda and..." I have no idea what else she rattled off, because I tuned her out. (I would elaborate on what all happened during January/February, when I pretty much ate and drank all my feelings for 4 solid weeks, but we'll leave it at that, in additon to the gym drama, Patrick showed back up in my life, said he was coming to visit soon, then said the reason he hadn't come to visit was indeed my weight, and then he disappeared for a while, only to pop back up with a sob story about how he'd been arrested, sent back to the mental hospital, and kicked out of his dad's house and was now living in a halfway house) By this point she'd gotten loud, and I'd pretty much gotten loud right back, because there was no other way for what I was saying to even be heard over her shouting. (Note to self in hindsight: What you were saying was never going to be heard anyway. This is when you should have turned around, grabbed your bag, taken your key fob off, handed it to the owner, and left.)

At this point, the owner comes over, and gets involved. And at some point during all this, Michele is still running her mouth, and I tell Brian that if this is the way things are going to be, we can settle up, they can bill me, whatever. Michele yells, "Whatever. If you come Friday, fine. If you don't, I don't care."

Brian pretty much sends her to his office to cool off/wait for him to come talk to her, and then he tells me that it's a slap in the face to them that I won't do their nutrtion thing and that I want to stick with Weight Watchers, when it's not working, and then reminds me, again, that "you signed an agreement with us, and we're doing all this for you, and you're getting it for free." Oh. Well, I didn't realize I signed away my free will for a year of free gym membership and training. Honestly, I could've learned almost everything we've done from an $8 Jillian Michaels DVD and the CrossFit website. I talked to him for at least 30 minutes, including a few moments that included me crying, and as far as I can tell... really, nothing got solved. When I told him that I was clear from the beginning that I planned to stick with Weight Watchers, and had even said as much in my essay, he told me, no, I didn't, and he could go pull it and show me. Um... I wrote it. I poured out my freaking heart in that essay, and trust me, I know exactly what it says. He finally agreed they'd just train me and work me out, and I could stick with Weight Watchers for another month.

But the damage is already done. They've demonstrated to me on more than one occasion that they're not a bit concerned about what this does to me mentally and emotionally. They've thrown the agreement in my face at every turn. I'm supposed to follow blindly and do whatever they say, regardless of what I know to be true for my own body and my own abilities. To them, this is a year long opportunity to get a great story for advertising with some amazing pictures of "Look what we did for this super-fatty! Imagine how we can make you look, since you're normal and only slightly overweight!"

I'm annoyed with myself for even sending that essay in. If I'd kept doing what I was doing on my own, I'd have probably lost another 40 pounds by now. As it is, in the five months I've participated in their program, I've lost a grand total of 12 pounds.

The really horrible part is that I lost confidence in myself, though. I listened to that "you can't do it on your own bullshit" and started to believe it, even when 80 pounds lost on my own shows that I can. I'm not sure what to do to get that confidence back.