Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Sometimes you CAN go back.

I've rejoined Anytime Fitness. The gym is cleaner, newer, the equipment actually works, and I'm not scared to be there by myself at night.

For at least the time being, I'll be going in the middle of the night again. Brian's completely cool with me being back, but I just don't want any awkward conversations with Michele or Heather at this point. After I'm back in my groove, I might not worry so much about going during the day.

I'm also going to start going to Weight Watchers again. I've been paying for it this whole time, but I'd slacked off big time. I've gained. I'm scared to go back because of it, but I also know I've got to get my shit back under control.

I'm going to look back at what I was doing when I was seeing progress, and go back to that.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Breaking the habit all over again.

Sarah blogged today about how she felt in control... man, do I identify with that. I feel like I've been off the rails for a while now-- eating whatever and not giving a fuck, eating until I'm hurting, skipping the gym... and I've just felt weird emotionally. I don't know which came first, but the combination of all of it has been awful.

I told myself after I walked away from the contest at AF that I would take a couple weeks to just get my mind right again. I realized yesterday it's been 5 months of floundering. 5 months that I've wasted. 5 months that the only person I've hurt by wasting is MYSELF. And if I take into account the 5 months I was in the contest at AF, that's nearly a year that I've wasted. Understand, I'm not mad-- because what's done is done, and I can't go back and get those 10 months back.

But I can damn sure get serious and quit wasting any more time, quit hurting myself by not caring and wallowing in self-pity and doubt. So I'm using the Livestrong calorie counter (for two reasons: Weight Watchers tracker is being ridiculous and not saving anything, and I'm trying to eat more organic stuff, and magically, all the brands of foods I'm eating seem to be in the Livestrong tracker) and keeping up with calories, fitness stuff, and water. I'm attempting to go to the gym every day-- 4 days a week of strength training, and more cardio on those other days. I feel better, for sure.

I keep thinking I should, and then... I don't. I don't want to get discouraged based on what the scale might tell me. I know I'm gaining muscle, because the amount of weight I'm lifting is going up.

More than anything, I just want to FEEL good. And eating right and exercising makes me feel good.