Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Yuck.

So Mom's back, and what did we do the minute she got home? No, go on... take a guess. I'll give you a second or two.

[elevator music plays...]

Time's up. What's that, you say? We went out to eat? Ding ding ding! Winner!

We went to the local Mexican place (which is yummy, just fyi) and shared the appetizer sampler platter. Except... I think the sharing actually resulted in me having more than her. And she'd brought me home a piece of Paula Deen cake, which of course I devoured. And then... I had her go buy me a Rice Krispie Treat big bar (which ended up being two smaller bars).

The yuck in the title refers to how I feel right now. Because everything tasted wonderful... and then it all settled in my stomach and felt horrible.

At least I've got my lunch packed for tomorrow. Hopefully it'll help with that whole feeling like death/hunger headache thing. I'm going to go to bed in just a little bit, so hopefully that will help with the feeling tired. And maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be the day I take my gym bag with me and actually go to the gym after class.


The one where Suzi Storm was apparently inside my brain.

If you haven't read Suzi's post about patience, go check it out and then come back to me.

First, let me take a moment to say how good it feels to know that omg, I'm not the only one. I think so often we get it in our heads that we're the only ones who've ever experienced something, that we're somehow failures and freaks for just... being human. It's good to know we're not alone, that others have been there, that others are there right now.

So I got to thinking, thanks to her post, and I realized that part of my problem is definitely patience. I'm not a patient person in any aspect of my life. Like Suzi, if you give me a tracking number for a package, I'm gonna check it five times a day, like that will somehow make it show up on my doorstep sooner.


The problem I'm running into with my complete lack of patience is that if things aren't happening fast enough to suit me (and let's be real here-- fast enough to suit me would be going to sleep and waking up the next morning back where I was before I got off track) I get discouraged, think 'what's the point?' and then go eat a bunch of junk to make myself feel better (spoiler alert: except for those first few bites, it never does). And then there's another 5 or 10 pounds I've gotta take back off, on top of what I'd already gained back. Hello, Slippery Slope, I'm Claire-- it's really not that nice to meet you.

You would think recognizing that would be enough to make me stop. So far it hasn't been.

Yesterday was okay, other than needing to figure out some way to eat more between classes so I'm not ready to pass out when my microbiology lecture is over. I stayed pretty much on track until dinner time, when I went to... heh. Well, I'm sure you can guess from previous posts. Still, I tracked everything, and we'll just say that was my weekly points.

The low point of the whole day? We were supposed to pick lab partners in micro... yeah. Somehow I've ended up without a lab partner. I thought the girl next to me was going to be my partner, but... nope. Whatever, right? Either the professor will shove me in someone's group, or I'll just be on my own.




Monday, January 28, 2013

I can make this post now since it's after midnight...

I made it through the day. I'm not going to the gym tonight because I need to be able to sleep, and by the time I got out there and worked out, I'd end up getting no sleep before class.

But... I made it through the day. With two points left over. That wasn't really intentional, but it is what it is, and it sure as hell beats that being 20 points over shit that's been happening.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

All alone...

My Mom is out of town, so I have the house to myself. And because I've had the house to myself... I've spent the entire time in my bedroom. I know, I know; it makes no sense. I rearranged the fridge a bit, ran some junk food down the garbage disposal, hid the rest of it in our second freezer, and... that's pretty much it. I napped a little this afternoon in hopes of hitting the gym tonight. I've still gotta get up at be at class at 9:30am, so I just... don't know how this is all going to work. I know I need to get my gym time back on schedule. I feel better when I go regularly. I lose weight easier.

And I don't find myself as messed up as I was last night. I don't want to get into it here, and I'm not even sure why last night was so hard, but it was. Today has been... better in some ways, and worse in others.

I've eaten far less junk today than I have been eating, so at least there's that, and I don't have that feeling of being absolutely full of junk food and grossness.

Friday, January 25, 2013

It's not funny anymore.

So I've been "cheating" as some people would say... eating stuff in amounts that I know I shouldn't. (It's not that I can't have the Paula Deen cake. I would never say I can't have something. But I can't eat the whole package of it every day of the week.) And I've been kinda "haha, I just ate such-and-such and I'm going to Weight Watchers."

It's not funny anymore. I stepped on the scale (my own) and it showed me a number I do NOT want to see. The only person being "cheated on" here is myself. What I'm doing each time I shove crap in my mouth, every time I say "nah, I don't want to go to the gym", what I'm really doing is saying I don't value myself enough to take care of myself.

And regardless of whether that is or isn't true at this point, I don't WANT it to be true.

I don't want pants that were nearly falling off of me this past summer to be so tight I can barely button them now. I don't want to lay in bed at night unable to breathe properly. I don't want to get winded when I walk from the fucking parking lot to my class.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Why you shouldn't pat yourself on the back at 1pm.

Things were good until dinner. Mom brought home barbecue, which still wouldn't have been a problem if I'd, you know, weighed the meat, ate my sandwich, and said no thanks to the slice of pecan pie.

Did I do that? Of course not.

And then I got a piece of the Paula Deen cake at Walmart and a large McDonalds Coke to finish my night off.

Tomorrow is another day.

Resisting the siren call of the Golden Arches

I managed to do it at lunch time. Yes, I got in the car. Yes, I drove out to McDonalds.

But I drove on past the turn, and came home.

It's the little victories.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The first day of school (for the 50th time)

Let's be real: I don't know that this is literally the 50th time I've had a first day of school, but I have done this many times. It's always exciting though-- all that anticipation and excitement over the things to come, the complete blank slate for the semester, the new textbook smell... (yes, I'm a nerd. I love the smell of new books, and new textbooks in particular). I'm attempting to get back into the nursing program at our local community college. Out of everything I've done post-high school, the nursing program (clinicals in particular) was the most fulfilling and satisfying. Unfortunately, life got in the way, and instead of just sitting out a semester and going back, I tried to transfer into another program at another college. I wasn't successful in getting in, and I ended up doing a teacher certification program. In the back of my mind, I always figured I'd teach for a couple years, get the money to go back to nursing school, and do that. And again... life got in the way, and I ended up helping my mom taking care of my Grandma. (which is more than okay-- even though there were times it really, really sucked, I'm grateful that Mom and I were in the position that we could do that.) So I'm finally getting to go back now... starting with retaking all my science prerequisites because you have to take them within 5 years of entering the actual nursing program. This semester I'm taking microbiology and nutrition. It's literally been 13 years since I took nutrition, and at the time, I was taking it in lieu of a phys ed class, so I didn't really care about learning it-- I just wanted to avoid any sort of mandated physical activity. (Yes, you're allowed to laugh at that. I can laugh at it now. The best part of that is that I actually took a PE activity class the next semester-- beginning swimming-- and to the best of my knowledge, I wasn't even required to take it!) The point is-- this time I'm serious about learning stuff from this nutrition class.
Micro is with the same professor I had before, so I'm really excited about this class, because I know how to study for science classes now. I made a C last time, and I WILL make an A this time.

Starting next week I'm going to be taking my gym bag with me and hitting the gym after classes. I'm still trying to figure out what to do for food. I'm in class from 9:30 to 1:50. Luckily, the nutrition professor has told us we can eat and drink during class, so I may take a snack to eat then. I probably need to do more for breakfast than just a bowl of oatmeal, too, because I was hungry and tired by the time class was over today.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I'm still here...

I know I haven't posted over here in forever, and you can probably draw your own conclusions about what that means.

It means I need to get my shit together.

It means I need to get myself back in that head space where I knew I was capable of doing this.

It means I need to actually do the work to get back to that mentality, instead of trying to dull the ache with food. I need to quit stuffing myself until I'm physically uncomfortable. I need to quit using food as a crutch. I need to realize that food cannot fix what's wrong. Food cannot make it all better.

I need to quit kicking myself for what I've gained back. And I need to quit trying to deal with my disappointment in myself by eating even more junk, and gaining even more back.

I need to accept once and for all that I am NOT that girl I used to be, who doesn't know any other way to cope than to eat all of her feelings, happy or sad.

And I need to accept that if someone doesn't like me because of my current size, if someone says and thinks ugly things, if someone rejects me based on what they observe with their eyes, then THEY are the one with the problem, not me. Their judgment has NO EFFECT on what I can do-- just because they think I can't do something doesn't make it true. It just means they're gonna get a big surprise when I succeed at the things they thought I couldn't do.