Thursday, May 2, 2013

Okay, well...

So I decided to cancel my WW membership for the time being. Yeah, I know, WTF? After that entry yesterday? But here's the thing... I'm canceling it for the summer. That's going to save me $120, plus what I'd spend in gas once a week driving to town for meetings.

I'm still going to track (though maybe just through fitbit or my fitness pal) and I'm still going to get back in a gym routine as soon as finals are over.

But I think I may avoid the scale for a while, and just go by how my clothes fit.

So there's that.

More than anything, I've gotta spend the time getting my head right. I know that for a fact.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Fresh clean start.

So... in a bid to save my sanity, I went to WW on Saturday and told my leader I wanted to just start all over. I came away with a new card, new books... and I weighed in just shy of 10 pounds under my original starting weight. I can't lie-- it made me sad to see that, but it's not as daunting as seeing that card where'd I'd lost so much and then gained most of it back.

Fresh clean start. Sometimes you need one.

I haven't been the best at eating this week. Today. There's one more week of real classes left, and then final exams. My nutrition class has gotten down to the portion of class where we talk fitness, weight management, and obesity. This wouldn't be so bad if we were talking about things like Health At Every Size, making lifestyle changes, and learning to accept that everyone isn't going to be thin/skinny, but everyone can work at being healthier. Actually, our textbook did a good job exploring some of the ways focusing on thin/skinny as a goal can do more harm than good, and also mentioned that a focus on health is a better idea. Bravo for our book.

Too bad we didn't really use that part of the book.

Instead, we're using a book that the original version was published in 1978. The "new and improved, ultimate" edition of the book we're using was published in 1999. And if you want to talk fat-shaming... this book is full of it. There is a little bit of good information in the book, but it's a simplification of the same information that was in our text. Mostly, there's a lot of stuff that's supposed to be funny, and I guess might be if you had 10 pounds to lose and thought you were a whale because of it. Maybe.

The book is bad. I wanted to set the book on fire 90% of the time while I was reading it.

It gets worse. We're having to watch a lecture this guy gave... at some point in the 90's. 1992. I looked it up. Before we started watching, our professor said "I think you'll enjoy this. He's pretty funny." I had an idea what I was in for because of the book... I didn't realize he'd be referring to fat people as "el gross-o", making exaggerated gestures about size, and basically making fun of and picking on the larger people in his audience.

There's still more of this film to watch on Monday, and a group discussion about the book. I'm leaning towards skipping class. (I probably won't because we have a test the next class period after that, and I need to have an idea what the discussion question will be about.)

I had to do A LOT of work to get myself to a good place mentally when I started losing weight before. And most of that has eroded, first because of things that were said to me, and then as the weight came back (because, you know... I ate my feelings. ALL OF THEM.)

And I had a lab practical today in microbiology after this fun video. I wasn't as prepared for it as I should've been (I know I mixed up all the different types of staph and strep. Oops.) So as soon as my practical was done, I went to Arby's and got a meal. And tonight we had Mexican food. I ate mine and part of Mom's. I was hungry, yes. But I was also eating my feelings.

Tomorrow is a new day, though. Tomorrow is a day I can relax and take care of myself.